Man, I love this girl.
Apparently her drunk-ass (now-ex-) boyfriend roughed her up in a Sacramento hotel room, and the both of them got dragged off to jail on domestic violence charges.
I’m just gonna copy/paste what she wrote on her blog, because she’s a brilliant writer herself, and I’m not going to be able to add much to this. She said “hoosegow.” Nothing I can do will ever top saying “hoosegow.” Nothing ever. I love you, Elyse. If you want to be BFF, seriously, email me. Like, you know the way all my little 10-year-old commenters feel about Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale? How they’re all like “mily i luv u and u shoud b my best freind heres my addres its 502 harriet st in scarsdle the key is behnd a rock near the hose just let urself in if u coud come 2 my scool and tell every1 we r bff that wud be awsome bc i alredy told them that” and then I have to hurry and delete the comment before they get raped by someone who looks a lot like Vince Vaughn these days? That’s how I feel about you. I fantasize about us being best friends, sitting around eating Thai food and watching American Idol, and you briefly interrupt your painfully acerbic and hilarious comments only to look me in the eyes and tell me how much you value our friendship. That’s what I want, Elyse. That’s what I want for us.
Anyway.
I’ll let Elyse take over from here.
1.) On the drive home (home?) from Albuquerque to Portland, my ex-boyfriend got shitfaced and roughed me up in a Sacramento hotel. I escaped from the room through a blitzkrieg of violence and talked to hotel security, who called the fuzz.
2.) Because he had a bite mark, inflicted in self-defense, on his arm, Marty told the police to PRESS CHARGES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST ME. Now I am a felon.
3.) I spent the night in jail. Dig the hilarous monetary contents of my wallet as described by the pig who booked me:
4.) Jailors. America’s Next Top Model fans, all. As the warden took pics of my bloody knuckles for evidence (!!!! evidence!), he quipped, “So there goes that hand modeling job, huh? What’s Tyra going to say about this?” And here is how I was summoned from the holding cell for a strip-search, complete with a thorough plumbing of the boodissy: “Hey, Supermodel! Git over here!”
4.) A bail bondsman (!!! I have a bail bondsman!) got me out of the hoosegow this morning and took me to a hotel room where I now await my court date. Martin Lesley Crandall is still incarcerated. You can follow his saga by searching for his name on sacsheriff.com (click on “inmate information”).
So I’m stuck in Sac-town, alone and lonely, for 4-5 days until court. Court! OMFG.
On the flip side, I’m single and um, ready to mingle. Blind date, anyone?
ETA: Breakfast in jail is served at 4:00am. Meat-stuffed croissant. And, you should already know what a “kite” is if you’ve been studying your 50 Cent lyrics. But “toilet talk”? That was a new one for me. Apparently, if you bail all the water out of the toilet, you can use the pipes to talk to inmates on different floors. And, girl, you can tell who do it ’cause they got like a big rash or whatever on they face from puttin’ it down in the toilet and shit. Damn..
Heh heh. “(!!! I have a bail bondsman!)” Elyse, if you ever want a stint as a guest-blogger around here, you’re so hired.
Update: I should add that the abusive boyfriend in question here is Marty Crandall, the keyboardist for the Shins.
[via Jezebel]
I’d do her, zexy :)
Awwww. Do you really delete posts for their own protection? How cute is that? (Very).
Oohh…I love her, too! And I don’t even watch that show anymore (I stopped after the 17th cycle). But wow. Seriously. Love. Her.
Elyse was snarky as hell, but I don’t like her. She could write a blog, however, there has to be a bit of love in the mix. Beet has got that, Elyse does not.
GREAT writer. I don’t watch the show, but I’ve noticed how spunky the contestants and winners often are. I like this chick.
P.S. The fucking Shins fucking suck.
why was her ass in a motel instead of “medical school”
It’s often the “intelligent ones” have no common sense. Good luck with that.
She seems like she is taking this kind of hard. She should be put on suicide watch. I take it the beet is feeling better, trying to make life long friends and all.
@FrozeRightHere: Yeah, I do. My rule is I’ll let them post their phone number and/or email address, but, when they give their home address (and, on occasion, very specific directions from the airport), I delete it. We get a lot of traffic from search engines around here, and the Miley/Ashley pics tend to attract a mix of both small children looking for photos of their idols and people looking for porn. Have to protect the kiddos from the grown men looking for naked pictures of a 15-year-old girl!!
Not THAT brilliant.
dayum
Bitches are always nagging & complaining can you image being in a car on a long trip w/o kicking her ass?
I’ll skip the blind date I like my supermodels with ass so NO thanx.
I’ll skip the blind date I like my supermodels with ass so NO thanx. Why is she using words like “fuzz..pig” is she from 60’s or 70’s
hey thats insane, im a hot guy, wickit fighter, my profeshion is im a logger/ Fire Fighter / Coast Guard / Wanna be play boy :$
lol ill let every one cheak out my bebo cuz well this site is pertty kewl
and if i had one wish id wish dat i got to see dis guy dat beat his ex face to face cuz me ::D::D i love fighting and id show him not to beat chicks cuz well it piss’s me right off and look 4 me fighting in UFC some day :D my bebo link is http://www.bebo.com/SUPERMAN-13
get back at me iight :D
oh yeah and diz girl i wold be her boy friend :D and i would also dubbel as a body gurd even thoe im onley 5 8 and 146 pounds i still am perty much super strong trowing guys dats well over 100pounds heavyer then me arround lol in bar fights :D:D i just love life :D
oh tha guy dat owns this blog add me man tigger13_666@hotmail.com use msn
Forget the Twiggy pic…bring on the MUGSHOT!
Holy shit. She is hilarious. Now I must google “kite + jail terms.”
YES!!!! I’ve been wondering what happened to my favorite model!! She is a very intelligent chick, the brightest i’ve seen in many years on the tube! She got in that religious freaks ass on America’s Top Model and stood up to Tyra too!~ thanks for posting about her, now i can follow her blog:)
hi just thought i would say that i agree with elyse as my partner does the exact same crys poor me she started it crap its all to make them self feel better like yeah you deserved it wen they have a couple e scratches incomplete self defense wat ass holes
Very good gerl. snx