Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Selling Out Lindsay Lohan: The Fastest-Growing Career on the Planet!

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Lindsay Lohan has to realize at some point that every time a penis goes into her vagina, it comes out a million dollars richer. Once your penis is in Lindsay Lohan, it’s like a golden penis. It is a penis worth its weight in gold. That penis orgasms gold dust. That is a gilded urethra. Lindsay Lohan’s vagital cavity is essentially a gold mine. I could go on. I have more.

But I’ll leave some for the other bloggers.

Just weeks after Riley Giles sold his story to News of the World, some dude Linds banged in Italy is selling her out, too.

“Lindsay was very, very good and surprisingly experienced. She wanted to do everything, every position. She was extremely flexible and adventurous … I was hurt and sad when I found out about the other guys. I think that’s the way things are with Lindsay. But she was very sweet and loving in bed. It was a good sex match.”

After meeting on a “hydrofoil” (What the hell is a hydrofoil? It sounds like something my hairdresser says I should try.), he says “I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I could come to the dinner afterwards. I was proud to accompany her—then she invited me to a couple of clubs with her two friends. Despite her recent troubles she was downing alcohol—vodka cranberry and vodka soda. All of a sudden, she pressed up close, looked me in the eyes and asked if she could kiss me. It was a strange role-reversal and it took me aback. But I came to my senses and kissed her. We did nothing but kiss in the club after that. She didn’t care who was watching. I never imagined in my wildest dreams we would end up in bed. We spent a long time talking, lying side by side on top of her bed. She told me about her problems with drugs and alcohol. She said she was trying to get over them and that she’d spent time in a rehab clinic but didn’t want to talk too much about that. She kept telling me she liked me because I was “a good boy”—I don’t smoke or take drugs. She said she was falling for me, she liked me. I liked her too. The thing that struck me most about her was her intelligence—I found her very lucid and bright … She adored kissing and never wanted to stop—no matter what we were doing. We had safe sex, and afterwards she cuddled up to me and we went to sleep.”

At least she’s having safe sex! Now if only Lindsay could learn to keep NDAs on her bedstand with the condoms.

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