Lindsay Lohan Would Prefer Not to Share Her Released-From-Captivity Week with Paris Hilton

At least I figure that’s the explanation for these rumors that Lindsay will be staying in rehab longer than originally planned. No one knows exactly when Paris will be released from the slammer, but it will probably be sometime early next week, and LiLo was supposed to leave Promises at the end of this week. But apparently she’s changed her plans.

“She is staying in Promises for longer than a month,” says a source close to Lindsay. “We don’t know how much longer because of her work schedule, but she is taking rehab very seriously this time and not messing around.”

Now, the humanitarian buried deep within my cold, evil heart wants to believe that this is true — that it has occurred to Lindsay that perhaps 28 days in rehab is not nearly long enough to untangle 20 years of fuck-upedness, and that experience would suggest that catapulting her back into the real world after such a short time period will inevitably result in her inability to stay sober, and that she really, truly wants to put her life in order this time around.

But, you know, my experience suggests otherwise.

I’ve gotta admit, though, with Paris in jail and Lindsay in rehab and Britney friendly with her family again, it’s been a really, really slow news week. Traffic’s been lagging. And, try as she might, Tara Reid just can’t hold down Camp Trainwreck by herself these days. This rehabilitation bullshit is costing me money, people. It’s not that I don’t want you to get sober, Lindsay, it’s just that I’d prefer it if you were sober while leaving Hyde in some manner of LA-tastic outfit with a D-list British model and calling Paris Hilton a cunt to X17. Is that really so unfair of me?