Here’s some fun with other people’s straightforward reporting.
Firing back in her divorce case, Anne Heche asks for full custody of her son and claims her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon, craves porn, poker and money.
My joke palate is salivating right now.
Heche says in court papers that although Laffoon claims to be a stay-at-home dad, he actually leaves their 5-year-old son Homer “with nannies and babysitters while he plays ping-pong, backgammon and poker and views pornography online.
Wait a second, this dude PLAYS ping-pong?? Your honor, I respectfully ask that Mr. Laffoon be committed. And if we find out any foozball is involved I’d recommend shock therapy. Also, how many guys do you think have never “viewed pornography online?” Put your hand up. Now make a fist. There, you’ve got your number.
More after the jump, because I’m feeling windy!
He holds a poker game at his home every Thursday night and allows Homer to participate.
Well look, it’s not like the kid is gambling away his college fund. I would teach my boy to play poker. It fosters math skills, game theory, and the ability to gauge people’s honesty level. These are all skills one can use in real life.
She adds that Laffoon bragged to cast members of her show, taped in Vancouver, that he “knew each strip joint in town.”
I sort of give Heche points on this one. Having been to strip clubs I can tell you that while naked women are great, it’s just not a good value. It’s equivalent to buying a useless vase or something. So if he really did frequent them it means he’s not a good shopper. Strippers are a waste of hard earned cash.
The former videographer, who says he quit a $6,000-a-year job to take care of Homer, is seeking primary custody and at least $33,000 a month in support…
Whoa there. $6000 dollars a year? Can that number be right? That’s can’t be right. He must have been the worst videographer ever if that number is right. I think People is wrong here. Because quitting a $6k a year job isn’t quitting at all.. it’s admitting that the $100 bucks you’re making for your 15 hours a week at McDonald’s isn’t going to cut it.
In his court filing last week Laffoon, 33, said that Heche, 37, demonstrates “bizarre and delusional behavior.”
Yeah, I believe this. Her record suggests that she’s stark raving mad. And how can she afford 33k a month in support? What has she done lately? Because I will totally hook up with crazy rich chicks if need be. I’ll even skip the strip clubs.
She married a layabout nobody to {barely}sit with her kid.. and went to work supporting them all.. after he gave her a kid.. what else is new? He is good at being a layabout nobody and she hasn’t kept him from his talent.. so she owes him nothing, but he shouldn’t have the child as he is a dumb butt lazy person leeching off of someone he got pregnant..
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