AmIdol Recap: The Finale

It’s the big night, kids. We’re in the Kodak Theater. Blake vs. Jordin. Or, you know, Jordin. With Blake there.

Denise Richards is in the audience, because now that Simon’s engaged she should definitely try to have sex with him.

Let’s introduce the judges. Randy is wearing what I imagine guerilla army generals in the Congo wear once they’ve retired. Paula is there, with hair extensions. Simon and Randy both point at her, and she grabs their fingers. They’re looking at her lovingly. I think Paula had been getting sober this season, and she fell off the wagon (and, yes, into a chihuahua); the guys seem very supportive right now. It’s heartwarming, actually. Simon winks at Ryan. Now, just so we can get it out of the way, Ryan asks Paula to tell him about the nose injury. Paula explains that she tripped over her dog, Tulip. Now the camera goes to Ryan, and you can see him kind of smirking, and he’s opening his mouth, about to talk, when Randy interrupts with “What sort of dog is it?” Paula continues that “Tulip’s fine, she was snoring,” and Ryan jumps in with the thing he’s been planning to say since he heard about this last night: “So the bitch is okay.” Because he can. Everyone gasps. Because “bitch” has several meanings in English. Get it? Sigh. It’s going to be a long hour.

We take a second — or, you know, five minutes — to remind the audience that, despite what Simon said about Seattle, both the finalists auditioned there (although Jordin is from Arizona). We get a little retrospective on both contestants’ journeys, because we have an hour to fill here, people. And, much as we’d like to, we can’t just spend all of it plugging On The Lot. Which, by the way, is pre-empting my darling House tonight. So, you know, fuck that.

Blake won the coin toss and chose to sing first in the finale. So here he is. For Blake’s first song, he is singing his favorite song that he’s sung previously on the show. Blake is going with Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.” I remember the first time he sang this on the show was the time that I realized I wanted to have sex with him. So hopefully this will be equally amusing. Yeah. Blake is so cool. It’s just a really cool arrangement of this song, and he totally pulls it off. He beat boxes and plays off the drummer. It’s so. Cool. He jumps around the stage with the mic stand. He makes sexy eyes into the camera. I’m less inclined to have sex with him than last time, but, then again, I’ve gotten laid more recently. Make of it what you will. Good performance all around, though.

Randy loved the beat-boxing, but thought the singing was “just alright.” The audience boos. Paula’s mic has been fucked up all night, and it’s still having problems, but she loved it. Paula says, “I think you did far superior than when we were at CVS.” What the hell does that mean? I’m sure I’m missing something. I don’t think Blake sung this for her at a grocery store. Simon thinks he’s “the best performer” in the competition. Phil Stacey and Chris Richardson are in the audience giving him a standing ovation. Sanjaya is behind them, with someone I am absolutely certain is Tracey Gold from 15 years ago, back to make shitty movies of the week all over again, but then I realize it’s just Haley Scarnato. Phew. Oh, Ryan clears up the CVS thing for us. It’s the other studio where they usually do the show. Ryan’s so damn good. Either that or a producer told his earpiece to clear that up, since Paula had probably just led 30 million people to believe these contestants warm up in the feminine hygiene aisle.

Jordin is starting off with a song she’s never sung here before: Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter.” I love love love this song. I hope Jordin does it justice. I bet she will. Pitting one’s voice against that of arguably the best female vocalist of our generation is a risky decision. Jordin’s no Xtina, but she’s giving me chills nonetheless. Something weird happens during the first bridge. I don’t know if Jordin messed up the lyrics or the tape was edited weird, but about a half second of lyrics got chopped off. I’m watching on the west coast — did this happen in the live taping, too? My first instinct was to think that she was behind the music, but I just replayed it, and she wasn’t. Strange. She kills the run at the end. Just kills it. Bitch can sing. Randy is trying to talk, but the fans in the audience keep chanting “Jordin! Jordin!” They finally calm down. Randy thought it was “brilliant.” Paula goes with “stellar.” Simon thought the vocals were “a bit shrieky in the middle.” He gives round one to Blake. Not that it matters.

Blake’s second song is the one he’s never sung before: Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved.” He sang “This Love” in the Top 3 competition. And, you know, they’re essentially the same song. This shouldn’t be allowed. I mentioned last week that I hated “This Love,” but not as much as I hate “She Will Be Loved.” In fact, if I never have to hear another Maroon 5 song for the rest of my life, that will be more than okay with me. But, alas. Here goes Blake. He starts off by sitting on a step, and, when he gets up, there’s a kind of neat shot of his package. Just saying. This arrangement is actually kind of cool — he’s slowed it down a little, and he’s not doing a carbon copy of the original. I like that. He struggles some with the very high notes, but all in all, it’s a good show. Randy liked the beat-box-free vocals. Paula thought he was relaxed and sounded great. Simon thought it was good, safe, but not as good as the first performance.

Jordin’s singing her favorite song this season: “A Broken Wing,” by Martina McBride. She sang this in the Top 7. Her vocals are amazing, per usual. There’s not much to say. It’s a typical Jordin performance; it’s amazing. Randy thinks she’s the most talented 17-year-old singer he’s ever seen. He found it “flawless.” Paula thought it was great. Simon’s like, “Now that was good.”

For the third song, the contestants will be singing what will be the first single they release if they win. AmIdol had a contest for this shit this year, and we take a moment to introduce the guys who won. Ha. They’re from Seattle. The song is called “This Is My Now.” I hate it already. Blake starts. This is sooo not a Blake song. It’s very touchy-feely. It’s the typical pre-fab Idol song. And it’s clearly written for a woman. I mean, to give you the gist of the song, it’s like, “Okay, so I was really sad before, and I was thinking about killing myself, actually, but then I realized that I need to be strong and persevere and have courage, and that’s what I do now. Girl power!” But Blake plays it cool, and he pulls it off, and he wins a lot of points from me for that. He’s a little pitchy sometimes, occasionally bordering on off-key, because this is a singer’s song, not a performer’s song. Jordin’s going to kill him. It’s in no way a bad performance, but Blake’s at a huge disadvantage here. Randy thought it was “alright” but not great. Paula thinks he did a great job. Simon thought it was “all a little odd.” Everyone mentions that it’s not the type of song Blake would typically go for, and says that he should probably be judged on his first two performances. Blake, to his credit, manages to endure the whole thing without being like, “You motherfuckers, this song choice is so unfair to me.” Ryan actually points that out, but using different language.

Jordin’s closing us out tonight. Same song. And I have chills again. It’s a totally different song when Jordin sings it. A totally. Different. Song. This song was clearly written for a female vocalist, and Jordin’s the perfect one to sing it. I believe her when she sings it. I forget how stupid the lyrics are. I’m listening to her. Damn. This bitch can sing. She has tears in her eyes toward the end, and she’s full-on crying as she wraps up, almost to the point of being unable to finish. Chills chills. I believe her. Blake never had a chance. Randy was blown away. Paula thinks she’s an “angel.” Simon thought she “wiped the floor with Blake.” Which is not Blake’s fault. It’s the song’s fault. But whatever. Jordin did great. She’s crying. Kathy Griffin is in the audience.

So Jordin won this thing, but that’s okay, because Jordin won this thing like six weeks ago. This whole finale business was just to sell commercial time. Randy thinks Jordin won. Paula makes no sense at all. Simon thinks the best performance of the night was Blake’s, but that Jordin should win based on overall singing. And she will.

In closing, I’ll leave you guys with this illustration from Pretty On The Outside. I think it sums everything up. Thanks for letting me be your AmIdol recapper this season.