AmIdol Recap: Final 3

We’ve got nine songs tonight, kids. The judges pick one, the producers pick one, and the contestants pick one. We’ve only got an hour, so we’re wasting no time on filler.

Jordin’s kicking us off. The Mayor of her hometown, Glendale, Arizona (WOOO HOOO AZ!!!!) reads Simon’s song choice for her. Simon’s selected “Wishing on a Star” for Jordin. Upon hearing the news, Jordin reacts with the kind of glee that just screams “I have never heard of this song in my life.” On stage, she’s wearing a cute little baby-doll dress, but they’ve got her hair back in those little pube-curls, and she doesn’t look as good as she has the past few weeks. She seems really nervous, and her voice starts out a little shaky. She’s making her little Jordin faces, which is adorable. It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s a good performance. I have no idea what is on Randy’s shirt. I believe it’s some sort of seashell pattern, with starfish and whatnot, but every now and then there’s an occasional vagina. I think these are intended to be clams or oysters, but, from this angle, it’s just like starfish, starfish, labia. He thought the vocals were strong. Paula liked it. Simon didn’t like the arrangement of the song he chose, which isn’t Jordin’s fault, but he thought it wasn’t one of her better performances. Talking to Ryan, Jordin admits that she had, in fact, never heard of the song before. I’m so good. Ryan says, “When we come back, we’ll hear the judge’s picks for Blake and for Smelinda.” That’s not a typo. He actually says “Smelinda.” I played it back three times to make sure.

Blake’s in Bothell, Washington. I’m pretty sure the Mayor of Bothell went to high school with Blake. They look about the same age. Paula chose his song: “Roxanne,” by The Police. It’s a great pick for Blake. He’s wearing denim pants, a blue collared shirt and a retarded vest. And he’s still got the tat on his wrist. I think it’s real. Boooo. He’s off-key for a bit in there. He’s doing some dancing, but no beat-boxing. I’m sure this was a hectic week for them, what with the trips back home and the three songs. The unfortunate result is that none of the performances tonight are likely to be stellar. Blake finishes by accidentally dumping the mic out onto the stage. It bounces around and the audio catches each bump before the sound guys turn it off. Ah, live TV. Randy gives him an A. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was good but not great.

Melinda’s in Nashville, Tennessee. Ha! The mayor, an old white guy with his old white wife, holds up the fax and says “Huh. I don’t get any faxes that start with ‘Check it out.'” But that’s how Randy’s fax starts. The mayor continues to read that this song is from “one of the best singers in the known world — and I’ve worked with her before.” Jesus, Randy manages to name-drop even in faxes to Southern mayors. Whitney Houston’s “I Believe in You and Me.” Um. Then Melinda’s all like, “Thank you, Randy Johnson.” Again. Not a typo. I triple-checked. Melinda just called Randy Jackson “Randy Johnson.” And this part was pre-taped, not live, and the producers have chosen to include the flub anyway. Love it. We’re either name-dropping or dropping names around here tonight. Melinda’s wearing a loose-fitting, patterned dress that looks nice on her. Her hair looks great. She does a great job with it vocally, but she’s no Whitney Houston. Randy thought it was “hot” and that she “rose to the occasion.” Paula thought it was “fantastic, amazing.” Simon thought it was her best performance in the last four weeks, and that “round one goes to Melinda.”

Ryan has some back-and-forth with Randy, and, as he starts to read Melinda’s number, Simon asks him, “Are you drunk?” Ryan looks at him quizzically, and says, “Am I drunk? Are you looking at me asking that?” as Paula keeps her face hidden from the camera. “I’m asking you,” says Simon, and Ryan chooses to ignore him.

Now we’re onto the producers’ choice. “She Works Hard for the Money,” which is a killer song for Jordin. She’s having a lot of fun with it, in jeans, fuck-me heels and a flirty little blue top. Randy and his vaginas liked it. Paula’s like “Jordin, you worked hard for the money tonight, I thought you were fantastic.” OMG Paula is so funny. Simon rolls his eyes and is like “That was hilarious.” I love Simon. Again, Simon didn’t like the arrangement — get over it, Simon — but thought she did very good with it.

Blake Lewis. Maroon 5’s “This Love.” Wow, I really hate this song. Not that it’s a bad song, just that it — along with all of Maroon 5 — was so overplayed and overhyped a few years ago. Ryan refers to Maroon 5 as “Adam and the gang,” and I find that interesting for some reason. It’s rare that Ryan reminds us that he’s a part of this industry, too, and he’s on a first-name basis with a lot of these folks. Then, Blake proceeds to do a basically pitch-perfect imitation of Adam Levine singing “This Love,” until he breaks into beat-boxing for about 5 seconds, then goes back to being Adam Levine for the rest of the song. It’s not bad at all, but I could have just listened to the album. Randy thought it worked for him. Paula thought he did well. Simon liked it, too. He says it “didn’t sound like a copycat performance,” which kind of blows my mind, because that’s exactly what it sounded like to me.

Melinda. Wearing an acid trip. In the form of a shirt. Singing “Nutbush City Limits” by Ike and Tina Turner. I have never heard of this song before, and that saddens me. If I think the word “Nutbush” is funny today, imagine how hilarious it would have been when I was 13! Even Ryan can barely keep a straight face when he says it. I guess Melinda’s doing a really good job with this, but all I can do is listen to her saying “Nutbush” and laugh. Heh. I keep playing this scene in my head:

Guy: You’ve been a naughty, naughty girl.
Girl: Oh, have I?
Guy: Oh, you know you have, baby. A very naughty girl.
Girl: Oh, no. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to spank me?
Guy: Bitch, I’m gonna take you to Nutbush City Limits.

Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. Who doesn’t love Nutbush?

Nutbush.

Jordin’s singing her choice, “I, Who Have Nothing.” They’ve given her a star on the floor at Arrowhead Mall. Heh. I’ve been to that mall. It’s pretty ghetto. AZ, baby!!! She’s killing this. She emotes so, so well. I bet she gets all the lead roles in the plays at school and the other kids hate her. The drama clubs in Glendale are pretty cut-throat. At least they were when I was in high school, before Jordin was born. Anyway, this is fan-fucking-tastic. Amazing. She’s incredible. She won this competition a few weeks ago. Randy thought it was her best performance of the night. Paula says some words in English, but not in any sort of order that would be suggested by, say, a grammar. I think she liked it. Simon liked her singing but thought the song was too old-fashioned. Ryan catches her off-guard by asking her to make her come-fuck-me look into the camera as he reads her numbers. Jordin’s all like “Fuck you, Ryan,” then just smiles. Simon had made some comment about how this was “a sixty-year-old song,” and now Jordin’s like “Wasn’t Rose Royce in the 70s?” This is a dumb thing to say, because this song was never performed by Rose Royce. Her first song — “Wishing on a Star” — was a Rose Royce song. This song was first performed by Ben King in 1963, which is, in fairness, not 60 years ago. Either way, Ryan wins back points by totally covering for her as Simon gives a “what the fuck” look to Paula.

Blake chose “When I Get You Alone” by Robin Thicke. He does well, actually, but he can’t hold a candle to Jordin. But he does really, really well. Randy’s like, “That’s the Robin Thicke song, right?” like Ryan hadn’t just said that two minutes ago. “Robin would be happy you chose that.” The whole world groans audibly. He liked it. Paula loved it. Simon “really liked” it.

Melinda. Nashville named a street after her. She’s crying about it. How do you get the job of the person who names the streets? I want that job. “I’m a Woman.” Hasn’t she sung this song already? I feel like she has. She’s wearing, like, office clothes, which I totally don’t get. One of the back-up singers is a drag queen. That’s the most interesting part of this song. Oh, she did do this before on this show. Randy mentions it. Randy thought it was “hot.” Paula again with English words in no particular order. Simon mentions how consistent she’s been, which is true.

And we’re out.

Blake goes home tomorrow.