AmIdol Recap: Top 4

Jesus, how many more of these are left? Three hours sleep last night — the insomnia is back — but I’m feeling pretty good and rearin’ to go.

Ryan starts out by saying that there are “three girls, and only one guy.” The camera pans across their faces — Jordin grins, Melinda fake-grins, LaKisha fake-grins, and Blake looks like you just told him you’d actually love it if he’d put it in your ass, and please don’t use a condom, because it won’t feel as good and it’s not like you can get pregnant that way.

This is American Idol!

Oh man. Everyone’s singing twice tonight. All the music comes from Barry Gibb, who I guess started as a member of the BeeGees, which makes sense because his initials are B.G. Huh. I feel like I learned something today. So basically, kids, prepare yourself for an evening of the songs your parents listen to. Or, for some of you, your grandparents, because your parents are, like, my age. Because I’m old. But let’s not dwell on that.

Ryan’s all like, “We are so going to run over time tonight. And that’s awesome because it’s my responsibility to keep us running on time, and I’m the one who takes shit in notes because Randy has to name-drop and Paula has to slur and then Simon has to berate everybody and every week, somehow, this is my fault. And yet, strangely, I still don’t have a producer credit on this show. Can someone explain that? Seriously. Jesus.”

Melinda’s kicking us off with “Love You Inside and Out.” She’s wearing denim jeans and a pretty plain black top. I’m not sure what to say. I mean, she’s good, but she’s always good. There’s nothing here to make fun of, but there’s nothing that really interests me, either. Melinda is consistently consistent. Randy thought it was “solid” but not really exceptional. Paula, who is marginally sober tonight (although her eye shadow is drunk) is like, “It’s really hard to critique you, Melinda, because your vocals are always spot-on.” Then she basically goes on to say that Melinda needs to “wow” them, and implies that she hasn’t done that tonight. Simon agrees. “That was not incredible,” he says, “That was more of a backing vocalist performance.” Everyone boos, but he’s right.

Haley Scarnato’s in the audience. Blake. “You Should Be Dancing.” Blake acts like he knows who Barry Gibb is. Yay! Blake’s going to beat box! It’s about damn time we had a disco ball around here. Blake dressed like he’s British in late 80s. I can’t talk about it any more than that. This song may actually be in too high a key for him. His falsetto rocks, but I’m worried that he’s going to sing the whole thing in his falsetto, which will just sound weak. He’s low-energy tonight, which is weird for Blake. He’s added a single, long blonde streak in his recently darkened hair, and I hate it. The beat-boxing is pretty cool, but he doesn’t seem 100% comfortable with the arrangement. This isn’t great and he knows it — it’s written all over his face. Randy thought it didn’t work, and thought he was at “some weird discotheque in some foreign country,” which is pretty much a dead-on assessment of this. Paula noticed that his pitch was off, but thought the beat-boxing was good. Simon thought it was “absolutely terrible,” then gets instantly cut off by the music. Simon’s pissed. Ryan does a genuinely funny play on Blake’s beat-boxing “you can te-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-xt the word ‘vote.'” Heh.

LaKisha. “Stayin’ Alive.” Well, if anyone can rock this shit, it’s LaKisha, but Barry doesn’t seem to think she’s going to do so well with it. So LaKisha struts out in black Spandex pants and a loose black-and-white halter and it turns out that “Stayin’ Alive” has words in it other than “stayin'” and “alive.” I have heard this song eight million times in my life, and never had a clue what any of the other words were, but I can understand them when LaKisha sings. Somehow, it takes away from the song. Like, in my mind, this song is essentially a bunch of high-pitched screaming punctuated by the occasional outburst of “Stayin’ Alive!” and anything else is just a distraction. She drops a couple of the runs, but it’s generally the best performance so far tonight. Randy thought she tried to make it her own, but “it wasn’t working.” Paula didn’t love it, but she loves LaKisha. Simon wasn’t impressed.

My guess is, since there are two songs tonight, the contestants were advised to focus their energies on the second one, since it’ll have the greatest impact on voting, so that’s why these first songs kind of suck.

Jordin. Has fashioned a dress from a tablecloth. Apparently Jordin’s still in school through all this, and says she’s getting “As and Bs.” Rock on, Jordin. “To Love Somebody.” Holy shit. Barry Gibb’s all like, “I know a couple hundred people have sung this song, but I haven’t heard a greater version than Jordin’s.” Woah. That’s some high praise. She rocks this song. She has such an amazing confidence and poise on stage for a girl her age. She sticks the landing. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon liked it. A+ for Jordin. She’s totally going to win this competition.

Melinda, round 2. Now in a lovely gray dress. “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart.” This is just a repeat of the first performance. She’s fine vocally, but it’s not interesting or compelling. It’s lacking whatever that “it” factor is that you see in Jordin, and juxtaposing the two this way just makes it more obvious. I mean, she’s good, she’s just not fantastic. She hits some really strong high notes. I dunno. She doesn’t do it for me. Randy thought it was “much better.” Paula liked her vocals, but reminds her that personality counts. Simon thought it was enough to keep her around another week.

Blake, round 2. “This Is Where I Came In.” He’s beat-boxing again. Barry Gibb hopes Blake will make a hit record with this song. Blake has a tattoo on his hand and lower arm now, probably (hopefully?) fake. I think Blake might be sick this week. He’s just really, really low-energy. Or maybe he was just up too late last night partying with Chris Richardson and Lauren Conrad. This is unimpressive. And now, for absolutely no reason, a split screen! Blake’s close-up on the right side, and Blake from far, far away on the left side. Either this episode coincides with the start date for the summer interns over at the production company, or they just really want everyone to embrace the 1982-ness of Barry Gibb, but, either way, this looks so stupid. If Blake makes it through to next week, it’ll be because of his penis, but I doubt he will. Randy thought it was better, but didn’t love it. He reminds Blake that he doesn’t have to beat-box on everything. Paula’s much drunker than when we began, I think. She enjoyed it. Simon hated it. Blake and Ryan fumble to make Blake’s body mic play nicely with the handheld. “Hold it down, hold it down,” says Ryan, and I don’t think he realizes his audio is live right now. That’s why this show is so much fun. I think Blake is sick — his speaking voice is raspy. To his credit, though, he’s not making excuses. I still like Blake.

We’re way low on time, and yet somehow Ryan still think it’s important to pull Judge Judy out of the audience. LaKisha. “Run to Me.” I’m so tired at this point I have no idea what’s happening. Sorry. Barry thinks she’s gonna suck. She’s wearing a green and black dress that does about as much slimming as can be hoped for, under the circumstances. Per usual, she’s very, very strong vocally. But I’m basically asleep. Randy thought it was better than her first performance. Paula thinks she’s a champ. Simon thought it was better than the first but not great.

Jordin’s taking us home (and taking me to bed) with “Woman in Love.” Barry Gibb is in love with her. He thinks Jordin is “going to be one of our greatest female recording artists.” Jesus. Wearing a lovely blue evening gown. She gives me chills. Jordin won this whole thing a few weeks ago. They’re just continuing to film episodes so I can recap them. I mean, her voice is incredible, but it’s the way she emotes on stage that’s so phenomenal. It’s miles beyond what anyone else in this competition is doing. Randy thought it was “pitchy,” which is bullshit, because she rocked this shit. Paula wasn’t impressed. Simon thought it was old-fashioned and “pageanty.” I completely disagree. She was awesome. Ryan speed-talks his way through the wrap-up, and we’re out.

Blake’s going home.

Then LaKisha.

Then Melinda.

Done. I’m going to sleep.