AmIdol Recap: Top 6

Oh. Fuck. Yes.

It’s the “very special” episode of American Idol. Ooh, is it the one where Melinda gets a beer spilled on her at the dance and Uncle Jesse thinks she’s drinking? Or is it the one where someone’s smoking a “roach” in the boys’ locker room and Zack Morris and Blake Lewis learn an important lesson about responsibility? Or maybe even the one where Jordin’s best friend thinks she might be pregnant and has to make a very difficult decision (and then is not pregnant, lest the producers have to make a very difficult decision)? Or is it the one where Ryan Seacrest finally admits to Simon that sometimes he feels a little tingle in his naughty place when they’re standing close?

No, no. It’s Idol! Gives! Back! And to emphasize the seriousness of the occasion, we’re kicking things off with Ryan in the control room. It’s that important. Ryan turns around to watch all the television sets, and, with his back to the camera, narrates, “The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants,” then turns around to face the camera. “They will also save lives.” Ooooh. Did anyone else feel that? Yeah. It’s a ratings boost.

Jesus, Ryan looks tired. Oh, there’s a two-hour results show. Guess what I’ll be watching tomorrow night? The Internet!

Now we’re going to see a lot of poor people in Africa. It is dirty there and people are orphaned. Ugh, I shouldn’t be so cynical about this. It’s not even sweeps week yet (not for two more days). Maybe they are really trying to help. The musical theme is “songs that inspire.”

Chris Richardson. “Change the World” by Eric Clapton. I do love this song. Chris is just kind of blah, per usual. He’s okay vocally, I guess, he’s just boring. And he’s wearing a black suit jacket and tie with what appear to be dark green military fatigues and sneakers. It works on so many levels. The first and only of which is “embarrassing.” Randy thinks he’s “in it to win it.” I respectfully disagree. With the use of that phrase in general, and with his assessment. You know, someone’s keeping Paula sober this season, and it’s just no fun. She’s tiresome when she’s coherent. Simon liked him, too.

Ivanka Trump is in the audience, which I’m sure NBC finds just delightful.

Um, okay, I’m confused now. Ten minutes ago we were giving money to Africa. Now, apparently, we’re giving it to the U.S. I guess things are still kind of bad in Louisiana — there was a hurricane or something? I think it was on the news. And Kentucky is just plain old fucked because the children lack — and I quote — the “tools to fight illiteracy.” Someone is watching this in Kentucky right now, saying to themselves, “And we cain’t read, neither.” There’s no money in the Navajo Nation. Except, you know, all that money the government gives them for living on the Navajo Nation. There are homeless people in Atlanta. Paula has to touch poor kids.

Melinda. “There Will Come a Day.” Faith Hill. My friend referred to watching Melinda as “watching Ripley’s Believe it or Not: Singing Without a Neck! Where does the voice come from?” And that is just so true. But she looks really nice tonight. Her hair is different somehow, and it frames her face nicely. Unfortunately, she’s way off pitch and forgets at least half of the words. No, I’m kidding. She’s perfect. I think Jordin scared her last week. She’s not gonna lose this shit to some 17-year-old floozy, so she brings it tonight. Someone in the audience is holding a sign that says Melinda Do”little” Can Do “LOTS”. Genius. Randy thought she was “dope.” Paula thinks she’s “magical.” Oh, Paula. You’re magical. Simon loved it.

Simon’s wearing a shirt that’s only buttoned halfway up, showing his chest hair. “Simon, where’s your button?” says Ryan. “Stop looking, Ryan,” retorts Simon. I pause my TiVo. Nineteen minutes. We made it nineteen minutes tonight without using the most-watched show in this country as a forum to reiterate the humorousness of homosexuality. It’s funny ‘cuz it’s different, kids. And evil. It’s fucking critical that we rally this country to help teach kids in Kentucky to read, so that they can grow up and write their very own “Homosexuality: Your One-Way Ticket to AIDS” pamphlets to pass out at the church socials. Except they won’t hyphenate “one-way.” Not a chance.

Blake Lewis. “Imagine” by John Lennon. Blake doesn’t quite know how to deliver a serious song. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe him. His voice is fine, but I just keep wanting to laugh at him with his very serious face. And it’s his turn this week to raid the Oliver! costume closet. Does that show run at the Kodak Theater or something? Randy thought the performance was “just kind of alright.” Paula talks. Simon thought it was flat, which it was, but he though Blake sang it “with sincerity.”

Poor people like bananas. (We’re back in Africa.) There is the most adorable little kid right now eating some manner or mush off a plate with his hands. I want Angelina Jolie to adopt him and name him Zyzzyva or something.

LaKisha. “I Believe” by Fantasia Barrino. The camera struggles to catch a glimpse of her face through her breasts. Her vocals are awesome, of course, and her long black dress is very classy and fitting for this song. I’ve never heard the Fantasia version of this song, because no one has, so I’m not sure if she’s “making it her own,” but I do like it. Randy liked it, but didn’t think it was her best performance. There’s a buzzing sound that makes me cringe. Oh, it’s Paula talking. Simon thinks she was shouting, and is trying to say something else but the audience keeps booing until his time’s up.

Phil Stacey. Huh. I’d forgotten about him. He’s dressed like a dancing monkey. “The Change,” by Garth Brooks. He’s doing a great job with this. I believe him. I’m interested. This is refreshing. I’m thinking about things other than his shiny, shrunken little head. This is huge (unlike his skull). Randy liked it. Paula thought it was “your best.” Simon generally liked it, and then says something about country music that confuses me.

Simon has never heard of a food bank. Really? Maybe they don’t have them in the U.K. But he honestly acts like the idea of a food bank is both novel and shocking to him. People are starving in the U.S.? Really? Yes, yes they are. So the appropriate response — and correct me if I’m wrong here, Fox — is to cut state and federal funding for public assistance programs. Did I get it right? Oh, no, it turns out the appropriate response is to vote for American Idol. So do that, kids. Because News Corp has over five million dollars to give to poor people if you do! Let’s see you match that, U.S. government! I’m sure you would help out with all the starving people if you weren’t so tied down funding those results-driven abstinence education programs. Okay, I’ll stop now.

Jordin. “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” She looks nice, but not as great as in the past couple of weeks. She has some pitch problems at the start, but overall she’s still my favorite. I just believe her. I trust her. Shit. This girl’s gonna win this whole thing. Randy was blown away. Paula loved it. Simon thought she was “fantastic.” Jordin is tearing up. That’s cute. I love Jordin.

Who goes home? Chris or Blake, probably. We’re just going to weed out the boys here. Slowly but surely.

Interestingly enough, Bono was supposedly the mentor for this week, but he made not a single appearance on this episode. Maybe he’ll do a bunch of stuff tomorrow night.

Cynicism aside, you should help all the poor people in Africa, because it’s really sad that I have two TiVos and they have no food. Not that I’m gonna give them one of my TiVos. They’d probably just try to eat it anyway. But honestly, if you’re interested in helping out these folks, check out Doctors Without Borders, Africare, or one of the organizations listed here.