AmIdol Recap

It’s Top Ten night, kids!!! Ryan Seacrest is celebrating by wearing a purple tie. His shirt may be lavender, or it may be white and reflecting the purple rays of the tie. There’s just no telling.

Fair warning: AmIdol always catches me on bad nights. I haven’t slept in days, I’m four days off my nicotine patch (shout-out to Dustin) and someone actually suggested to me tonight, in earnest, that I start smoking again. So there will be gratuitous profanity, guys. Oh yes.

We’ve got Gwen Stefani tonight. She’s been working with the contestants, and her make-up is incredibly understated. I barely recognize her. She looks younger somehow, and far less frightening. Pretty, almost. I had no idea how fucked up her teeth were.

LaKisha kicks us off. “Last Dance,” which I think is legally required to be performed on every season of American Idol at least three times. It’s in the production contract somewhere. I hate this song so passionately, but it is tolerable in comparison to what LaKisha is wearing right now. It’s some sort of silk wrap dress, but the bottom is a floral pattern and the top is very digital age. And it has 3/4 sleeves, which makes me want to die. Oh, and did I mention the hooker boots? I am so very unhappy with her right now. Ha. Randy “loved” the boots. Paula thought she was excellent. Simon thinks she seems 30 years younger this week. LaKisha’s former employer has wisely scored some free advertising out of this, as the camera pans to her former coworkers in the audience holding signs that say “Providence Bank” and something about LaKisha. I actually can’t believe they let them in with those signs. I wonder if they slipped past security somehow. Because when you think about what this show is charging for a 30 second spot … maybe Providence Bank actually paid to have those signs in there. Whatever. I need to stop analyzing the inner workings of this show. It’s bad for my complexion.

Chris Sligh used to be funny, but this show has sucked all the funny out of him. Ryan asks him a viewer question — “What do you do with your down time?” — and he’s all like “knitting, crocheting, maybe playing the bongos in my boxer shorts,” and all the funny in a 20-mile radius is destroyed on impact. Honestly, some poor comic is doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory down the street and can’t for the life of him figure out why his act isn’t working tonight. It’s because Chris Sligh killed the funny, dude. Like a fucking nuke. Ryan, always loathe to miss an opportunity to be grossly homophobic on the most-watched show on television, is all like, “Well, I feel comfortable now,” and everyone laughs, because gay people are different and no one is safe around them. Can we get to the singing now? Eh. Eventually. He’s singing “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.”

HOLY SHIT.

THIS ISN’T GWEN STEFANI.

THIS IS HOLLY MADISON.

Is anyone else noticing this? Gwen Stefani, with her make-up toned down and actually speaking like a normal human being and not a strung-out ska bitch, is eerily similar to Hef’s main girlfriend. Her face, her voice, her words, her mannerisms. This is so bizarre.

Half a second in, and I’m already really uncomfortable with this arrangement. Gwen Stef-Holly, in her film clip, was all like “He really needs to concentrate on the beat of it,” and my initial reaction was like “Are you fucking kidding me? He’s having trouble finding the beat?” and now we’re five seconds in and Chris cannot find the beat. In his defense, it doesn’t really seem like the band can find it, either, and the sound guys have (god I hope accidentally) piped in some sort of an echo that can’t be helping anything. This is very very bad. I’m pretty sure the background singers are off-key. No one can find their way around this arrangement. Oh God I think the echoes might be on purpose. WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE TO THE POLICE?? This is the worst arrangement ever. This is awful and Chris knows it. Serves him right for killing the funny. Randy mentions that he was way off-beat. Chris is all like “Well I thought I did good but yeah the rhythm was off,” and, like, really, kiddo, at this point in the competition, rhythm should not be an issue at all. Like I had a solo in my second grade play and even that is really way more performance experience than you need to find the goddamn rhythm in a Police song. Grrr. Paula notes that he was off-beat. Simon notes that it was a mess, because it was, and totally unacceptable at this stage in the competition. The band cuts him off because we’re trying to do this in an hour. “This is not the Oscars,” said Simon. Heh. He’s bitter.

Gina Glocksen, crying over how cool Gwen Stef-Holly is. I think this is the appropriate time to play a little game I call “Gwen Stefani Lyrics or a Poem I Wrote in a Middle-School Math Class.” Take a moment to play. The answers are at the bottom of this post.

1) You and me / We used to be together / every day together / always / I really feel that I’m losing my best friend / I can’t believe this could be / the end.

2) Harajuku girls, I´m looking at you girls / You´re so original girls / You got the look that makes you stand out / Harajuku Girls, I´m looking at you girls / You mix and match it girls / You dress so fly and just parade around

3) I’m so sad / Because Todd is a jerk / And I can’t believe he likes Melissa / She has fat hips / I think I’m going to take 8 Tylenol tonight and die / Just die

4) I wish I could be like Mariah Carey / She is so beautiful / And she sings like a bird / I like the clothes she wears / I want to be just like her one day / But I don’t like roller coasters / So not with the roller coaster / Todd is such a jerk / I love Party of Five

I like Gina more each week. “I’ll Stand By You.” She gets a little more nasal than I’d like at times, but she’s solid in general, and I hate her goth-tastic look less this week. Let’s be clear: I still don’t like it. But I hate it less. She’s got one of those weird half-glove things on, like all the cool kids are wearing these days. And hooker boots with big ole crosses on them. That’s sweet. Randy loved her. Paula liked her. Everyone thinks it’s her best performance so far, even Simon, who raves about her.

There’s a Visa commercial with someone singing “Downtown” and it’s the best vocal I’ve heard on Fox in a year. Okay so I never watch Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader but someone told me tonight they’re not, like, regular fifth graders, they’re genius fifth graders, which frankly seems a little unfair to me.

Sanjaya. Is singing No Doubt’s “Bathwater,” which, if I’m being totally honest, is the one No Doubt song that I genuinely dig. In her film clip, Gwen is kind of like “Oh my God he is going to fuck this up so hard,” and I like her more now than I ever have before. Sanjaya, in case anyone still thought he might be straight, is wearing, like, the gayest faux-hawk ever. The camera tries to zoom in on it, but it defies inspection and the shot gets blurry. Sanjaya is flipping this thing back and forth as he’s whispering the words to this song with his now-trademark Sanjaya apathy. You could sell this. I see it now. I get it. It’s just, like, “I’m too goddamn cool to try. Singing loud? Passionately? Who’s got the time? Do you know how much effort it takes to make your hair look like this? And you want me to sing on top of that? Eh.” You could sell this. I get it.

He forgets the words. “The words? Who has time to learn the words?? I was up all night picking out the perfect jacket and giving head to Boy George. The words? Jesus I’m beautiful.” Randy’s all like “I give up, you’re retarded, oh my God, shoot me now.” Even Paula’s like “Dude you’re not even trying” and Simon makes some comment about how he looks ridiculous and Sanjaya’s all like “Do you even know how homosexual I am?” and then Simon’s like “I don’t think it matters anymore what we say.” I’m actually digging how Sanjaya seems to be embracing the fact that deep down he’s ultra-gay. It’s cool to see this transformation happening each week. Ryan’s been resisting for years. He could learn a thing or two from this teenager.

Haley Scarnato. “True Colors,” and if this rehearsal footage is any indication, we are in for a headache. Ooh, she starts off sitting on the stairs. Always a bad sign. Wow this is remarkably amateurish. She is showing a lot of leg, and I’m not impressed. I’ve seen way better leg in my life. Healthy weight my ass. She needs to drop 10 or 15 pounds before she has any business wearing a skirt that short on national TV. It’s not that I’m pro-ana, exactly, it’s just that I’m anti-fat. Oh, yeah, and she’s singing the whole time. Poorly. Randy wasn’t impressed. Paula talks. Um is it just me or does Haley have gray in her hair? Or in her extensions, I guess. Simon calls it “sweet but forgettable,” which is true of basically everything Haley’s done at all this season. Ryan’s freaking out because we’re running way over time, so he’s talking like he just did a fat rail.

Phil Stacey. “Every Breath You Take.” Sounding strangely like Sting while dressed like a New Kid on the Block. This is a very good vocal. Phil gets prettier every show. Tonight his face is painted like a damn geisha. But he’s physically attractive to me for the first time ever. In fact, with the exception of Ace Young, this is the only time in the history of American Idol that I have actually thought to myself, “Damn, I would totally do him right now.” Damn. I would totally do him right now. Maybe it’s the Sting thing. He’s way sexy tonight. Randy and Paula just talked but I was thinking about having sex with Phil Stacey. Simon thought it was very good.

Melinda Doolittle. “Heaven Knows.” She’s wearing these 3/4 black tights and black pumps, which I really dig, but she’s topped it with this godawful blue retro number. I don’t understand these people. Of course she’s singing well, because that’s what she does. It’s so funny that this girl is in the same competition as Haley Scarnato. It’s like they’re singing on two different planets. Randy loved her. Sabrina Sloan’s in the audience cheering. Paula liked her. Simon didn’t think it was her best but still thought she was “outstanding.” Ha. “Hate the outfit,” he says. I love Simon.

Blake. “Love Song.” Gwen Stef-Holly’s all like “He is totally going to ruin this with his beat-boxing.” I don’t understand the shirt Blake is wearing, but I like it. It’s all these clashing black-and-gray stripes of different widths and crazy big cuffs, and there’s a zipper for no apparent reason and I want this shirt because I would ask for it about six inches longer and wear it with a black miniskirt and high heels and look fucking amazing. It’s actually what Melinda should have paired with her tights tonight. It’s just a cool shirt. Blake’s a cool guy. He slips in this neat little fake drumming thing, and it’s casual and not forced, and it’s just very very cool. But I don’t want to have sex with Blake. There’s a childish quality about him. I do think he’s super cool though. I want him to be my little brother. I’d take him everywhere with me. Everyone likes Blake. Simon thinks he’s the strongest guy in the competition.

Jordin’s singing “Hey Baby.” She’s dressed like goddamn Dorothy Gale in the barrio instead of Oz. She’s all like “There’s no place like home, stoopid.” Oh and the singing sucks. The key’s too low for her. It throws her off at the start and she never gets her feet back under her. I guess she kind of pulls it together at the end, but it’s way too late. Randy thought it was “brilliant,” which is so strange, because it wasn’t. Not at all. Paula’s retarded. Simon’s thinks she’s improved in the last few weeks. They’re digging the youthfulness, I guess. Jordin smiles, and I think they’ve been sending her to have her teeth whitened several times a day. Those fuckers are bleached. Fuck, they’re half gone.

Chris Richardson, who I only remember as the guy I couldn’t remember in the past. “Don’t Speak.” I am worried that Chris Richardson will steal my wallet. He’s still got that K-Fed’s-kid-brother vibe about him. I guess he’s a good singer, if uninteresting. You know how he’s dressed? He’s dressed like a waiter at a fancy restaurant who just got off work and threw on his own jacket for the walk to the subway. Although that’s unlikely because the fancy restaurant would have made him shave off that moustache. Randy liked his “twist” on it. Apparently there was an “R&B side.” Paula is so stupid. Simon thought it was a good song choice, wasn’t crazy about the vocal. They’ve already run over time by 3 minutes.

Sanjaya’s not going home tomorrow. I don’t know who is. Jordin maybe, or one of the Chrises? I don’t care. I’m so so tired. I’m doing links and going to bed.

Gwen Stefani Lyrics or a Poem I Wrote in a Middle-School Math Class Answers
1. Gwen
2. Gwen
3. Me
4. Me