AmIdol Recap

We’re coming to ya live from the Idol-Dome!

Hey, Haley Scarnato is still on the show? How did that happen? Do you think the security guards get confused every time she comes to the sound stage? “No seriously, I’m on the show.”

Paula makes a joke about picturing Simon naked. I think she’s housed! Welcome back Paula, we’ve missed you so! The crowd cheers for the theme this evening, “The British Invasion” even though none of them were alive during it. Read the rest after the jump homeslice!

Lulu and Peter are here, because they remember the 60’s! Idol’s reasoning, not mine. Someone just mentioned a band called “The Dave Clark Five.” I’m totally serious, that’s a real band. I’m sorry to Dave Clark, and his five, wherever they may be for missing their scene. Scarnato starts the show. Haley can’t sing but she does have a happening body. I think this sort of thing will come in handy when she gets chucked from the show. Casting couch anyone? Wow… that’s overly cruel even for me.

I can’t figure out why Chris (Not Sligh Chris) isn’t good. It seems like he’s the little chia pet every girl would be all about. Whoever the guy helping him out is (Peter Noon???) mentions that he’s not sure Chris can sing. Brutal stuff. Hey America, you wanted blood. Are you satisfied? ARE YOU SATISFIED? Chris sings and I’m with this Peter guy, Chris just kind of gets by. He hits a nice high note near the end and leers strangely into the camera. Randy tells him he’s his dog or something. Paula wants to mount him. Hell, even Simon calls it his best performance. Ryan tells him “Congratulations, Bro.” Way to build up those cool points Ryan. You are young, and hip, and America! I’m so glad you took over for Dick Clark, I can’t wait to enjoy your little gags for the next 80 years.

It’s fan question time for Beyonce (no, I won’t be calling her by her name anymore). She’s asked what’s the hardest part. Blah blah, hard to pick song, drink coke, filler filler. Glad it’s a two hour show. Lulu calls the Beyonce thing too… if it occurs to her I’d say everyone in the world has now caught on, even Beyonce. So I’d watch your back “unofficial Beyonce.” She sings a ballad by Dusty Springfield and I’d call it okay, but I haven’t been in tune with the judges lately so we’ll see. Ah, Randy rescues me and calls her “pitchy.” Simon essentially calls her boring. Bingo. Wow, Ryan mentions she had to learn the whole British “genre” and was that tough for her? She’s never heard The Beatles? Oasis? Blur? Lulu? Okay, I haven’t heard of the last one either. I’m sure she’ll slay us during polka week.

I don’t really “do” comments on ties but Ryan’s is nasty business, purple stripes galore. Peter coaches Blake and seems to like him. Blake tries to remix the British song he’s given and it gets better after a rough start. The drum machine effect he seems to love is off-putting. I’m wrong though, (again) the judges adore him. Ryan tries singing and dancing and the results are a massacre. Then he tries beatboxing. Yipes.

Lakisha, more bang for your buck, has an odd interaction with Lulu where Lulu basically begs her to do a certain song. She doesn’t do it, instead going for “Diamonds Are Forever.” I think it’s pretty good, in the way that everything Lakisha sings is “pretty good” but it wasn’t her best for me dog. Randy agrees with me, the dogpound stands united. Paula gets off on a riff about all the diamonds Lakiki is wearing and mentions something about how Simon will rob her. I have no idea anymore. What notes do the producers give her after the show? Up the crazy quotient? Ryan tries to use the word “touché” and then he and Simon get in a fight about who should wear Lakisha’s dress during the after party.

Phil Stacey looks like a giant penis head. There, I said it. He sings a song called “Tobacco Road.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, but isn’t Tobacco Road in North Carolina? As in not Britain? Regardless, he does great with it, knocks it out of the park, delivers a message for all phallic headed dudes the world round. On the other hand Simon says he doesn’t have enough grit to sing a song like “Tobacco Road.” Hmmm, this had not occurred to me. He’s not British either, does that matter?

Jordin hits the stage. Drink COKE you bastards! Jordin is asked what song describes her best; she goes with The Pointer Sisters “I’m So Excited.” This, you may recall, was the exact song Jessie Spano (Saved by the Bell) sings when she’s all hopped up on uppers. In the show she ends the song with “I’m so scared!” Thus, Jordin will henceforth be known as The Caffeine Pill. TCP is singing “I Who Have Nothing.” It’s a good song, but she doesn’t do the British accent justice. No, I actually really liked her performance. She’s got the “give me chills” factor working this evening. All the judges commend her singing ability. We’ve got a hot one America! Randy uses the word “touche” four times in a row. It don’t get no righter!

We cut to the break and it’s clear that 1) Sanjaya is next 2) He’s wearing the sleeves that you put your thumb in. I haven’t the words. Hey, this Peter guy is from Herman’s Hermits! Simon hates him. I love Simon. They pan to a girl in the crowd while Sanny sings, and I swear I am not making this up, who is BAWLING her eyes out. Like tears of grief. Have I entered another dimension? Jaya rolls over to her and it seems to make her better. You got me. They show the little girl about six more times, again completely true. What the hell is going on here? Is she the producer’s daughter? Also, Sanjaya sings “You Really Got Me Now.” Sanjaya’s sister has a rack and a half, let’s all appreciate that for a moment, the cameraman sure does. Okay, so the crying girl’s name is Ashley and she’s a freak. She will enter spelling bees one day. She’ll also murder her first family when she’s 18 or so.

Gina “got my” Glockson is dressed in sassy black. She goes with everything. I heart her. She mentions she reads the blogs (though she tries not to) so I’ll just say “Hey Gina, keep on keepin’ on sister. You’re the most.”

She goes for “Paint It Black” which I’d call “ballsy.” It’s a rough start for her but she picks up momentum when the drums kick in. The problem for Gina is she’s going to struggle when she’s not going for rocker. Eventually Idol will cull her for this but I say we enjoy it for now. Paula says Simon’s favorite song isn’t “Paint it Purple.” Anyone with any idea at all what she’s talking about has to be on peyote.

Chris “Big Ass Hair” Sligh is in the hizzy. He gets some advice from Peter about being sexy. He’s going for “She’s Not There,” which is a cool song. Chris does it up too, he’s much better than in the past few weeks. I think I may have seen Simon almost bob his head to the song. Or was it a seizure? Chris shouts out “Fro Patrol” and I hope that makes him some T-Shirt dollars. I thought he was pretty good and the judges, bi (Simon) and large (Randy) agree with me.

Melinda Doolittle will end the evening. The song is called “As Long as He Needs Me.” You probably remember it best from that time you never heard it. I think she was adequate and given the amount of singing points she’s built up I’d say she’s safe city. They show the weirdo little girl again. I’m so scared for any pets she may have under her immediate control. Welcome to hell pet Goldfish! The easiest day was yesterday. Randy slobbers all over Melinda and everyone else follows suit. Then, *poof* it’s all over.

I don’t know how Beet does this every week. I have a feeling that she might have a Jesse Spano moment in her future.

Hope I made ya proud momma!