AmIdol Recap: Top 12

It’s Top 12 time. NB: I decided to quit smoking yesterday, I’m going on two hours of sleep, and I just gagged my way through the first twenty-five minutes of MTV’s True Life: I’m a Genius in order to give my TiVo a head start, so this recap is going to be bitchy.

Before we begin, I’d like to note that somehow it is going to take two hours for twelve people to sing a Diana Ross song. It would probably take less time to teach Paula Abdul to play Diana Ross’s entire repertoire on the tuba. But alas.

Side note: Remember Brian Dunkleman? Yeah. Remember that comedian who shot himself in the face this week? Yeah. Strangely enough, not the same person.

Ryan is once again plowing new fashion ground, wearing a rusted silver (like Tin Man silver) collared shirt, a copper tie, and a grey vest and suit jacket. Honestly, the only word that comes to mind for this particular color palette is “discordant.” How is anyone supposed to sing on key with that ensemble so nearby? Why can’t he just dress normal? They’re also in a new theater, which has been designed specifically to look like the inside of a pinball machine. The producers kept calling the art director like, “No, no, not tacky enough yet.”

Lots more recap after the jump.

We talk to the judges, then we hear all about Diana Ross, who is famous and — oh my God — looks a lot like Oprah Winfrey today. I would talk about what she’s wearing in the video clip, but then I’d have to smoke. It hurts that badly.

Up first is Brandon, who describes Diana as “the star to which a lot of stars are compared to,” and I’m just going to hang out and enjoy that for a minute. Brandon is a pleasant surprise to me every week. I’m always like “Ooh, who’s that cute black kid? Oh, his name’s Brandon! He’s sexy! How nice of him to show up on this television program this week.” So forgettable. Brandon’s singing now, and I would write about it, but I can’t hear his voice over his shirt, a violet tie-dyed button-down which is not tucked into his slacks. His singing is incredibly dull. He’s not even done yet and I forgot him. Oh, and since there’s only twelve of them, they’re letting them sing forever and ever and this will never stop and then his shirt starts to sing the harmony and … oh, praise Jesus, it’s over. Randy was not impressed. Ha ha, Paula’s pretty out of it. Her eyes are all over the place, and glazed like a donut. Simon thought it sucked. “No star quality,” which is absolutely true. Ryan comes over and he’s all like “Dude, can I borrow your shirt?” and Brandon’s all like “Only if I can borrow yours,” and Ryan’s all like, “Sure, maybe you could tie-dye the bottom of it so it’s super cool like yours?” and Brandon’s all like “Yeah buddy, for sure” and then they make out.

DRINK COKE DRINK COKE DRINK COKE DRINK COKE

Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it: Melinda Doolittle’s whole wide-eyed-who-me?-I’m-just-a-back-up-singer thing is really starting to bother me. I dug it the first couple of shows, because I believed it. She was surprised at all the attention. She never thought she was so talented. Okay. Great. But after the 8 billion times that Simon Cowell ate her out while muttering about how much he loves her humility, it’s starting to seem really forced. And it annoys me now. So there.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh holy shit.

So there’s this whole retarded discourse between Ryan and Melinda about high heels and I’m not really listening because suddenly it’s occurred to me that eating Q-tips covered in ear wax would be cooler than trying to follow this conversation. Then all of a sudden Ryan’s like, “Simon, any advice on the high heels?” and Simon’s like, “You should know, Ryan,” and Ryan’s like, “Stay out of my closet,” in the most oh-my-God-are-we-really-playing-this-game sort of way, and then Simon is like “Come out.” And then Ryan is like “This is about the top twelve, not your wishes,” and, all throughout America, mothers are having to explain this conversation to their small children. Meanwhile, Melinda is sitting there with her head in her hands, like, “Glad I have to sing after your little homo spat, kids. Awesome.”

I have to hand it to Melinda, though, she’s always great on stage, although this is the most boring song ever. It’s the boring one from The Wiz. Oh, wait, all the songs from The Wiz are the boring one. The audience is cheering like they’ve ever heard this song before, which they haven’t. Randy liked it. Melinda is crying. HA HA HA!!! PAULA IS CRYING!!! She is such a train wreck. She’s beyond a train wreck. She’s, like, the smoldering ashes and metal that doesn’t get picked up for days after the rescue efforts have been abandoned. She is gone. Simon asks Melinda why she’s crying and she’s all like “Because it makes me an increasingly sympathetic character and will help garner votes,” and Simon’s all like, “Wanna give me a hand job?” No but then Simon is actually like “I’ve always thought that song was quite boring,” and I love him because we agree on everything.

Chris Sligh, who is singing “Endless Love” and — does he normally wear glasses? Yeah, he does, and he looks really weird now without them — and he’s trying to make sexy eyes into the camera in an Adam Duritz sort of way, but where Adam is incredibly sexy and amazing (I love you Adam, please call me), Chris is more just large and creepy. Randy thought it was a mess. Paula thought he was trying too hard to be hip, which is actually rather incisive of her. Simon hated it. The audience boos half-heartedly, and Simon points that out. “I would keep your glasses on,” he says. Damn. Simon and I are soulmates. Chris proceeds to blame the whole catastrophe on the arrangement, which is as fucking classy as it is accurate.

Gina Glocksen. I’m interested to see this. This is SO not her element. Hm. I’m scared for her for about the first ten seconds of “Love Child,” but she’s kind of working this. Lord, I think her pants are pleather. She does okay when the notes are high and can be belted, but when the song is at its lower, more subtle parts, you kind of forget she’s on stage. It’s like she’s just rushing through those parts to get to the belting. No one was impressed. Ooh, Ryan has unbuttoned his suit jacket, so we get to check out the vest in all its glory.

Oh good, Sanjaya. Man, I just plain old hate him. I’m sorry. Why is he still here? Diana Ross hates him too, and that makes me happy. You can tell she’s kind of like “Why am I spending my time with this talentless hack?” Sanjaya hits the stage and — OH MY GOD HIS HAIR IS IN RINGLETS!!! HE LOOKS LIKE CURLY SUE!! — proceeds to whisper the words to “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with about the same amount of enthusiasm I tend to dedicate to urination. WHY IS THIS KID STILL HERE? OMG I hate him. Randy’s laughing it sucked so hard. He can’t stop laughing. Paula then explodes into a series of words I recognize as belonging to the category of “English,” but beyond that I can’t make heads or tails of them. Okay, so Simon’s like “When you hear a wail in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching this show,” and everyone is completely and utterly confused because they think he said “whale” instead of “wail” and it takes them a long time to sort it out, but eventually they start booing, because Sanjaya has curly hair and so they love him. Ultimately, 17-year-old Sanjaya has completely failed Homonyms 101, because Simon has to explain that he meant Diana Ross will “scream,” because one of the producers whispered into his ear piece that Americans don’t have anything bordering on an acceptable public education system. Then, because what if the horse isn’t dead yet?, Ryan talks about the “marine biology” whale versus the one Simon was talking about. Key takeaway: Diana Ross, no one is calling you a whale.

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Haley Scarnato answering a viewer question: Where is the craziest place you ever sang? “Oh, man,” says Haley, “in my fiancee’s little brother’s bed, right on top of the Superman sheets because he’d just stepped out to borrow a basketball from the kid down the street but we laid down a towel and … oh, wait, sang? Oh. Here, I guess.” With her hair straight in her video clip, she looks a lot like Vanessa Minnillo. She’s singing “Missing You,” but, while Diana was singing about Marvin Gaye, Haley is singing about her voice, because it is totally MIA tonight. Like Gina, she’s okay when she’s got a high note to belt, but anything requiring any degree of subtlety is a lost cause. Um, she loses the rhythm for awhile and, like, has a minor seizure on stage, and I hate that I think her dress is cute but I do, and now she looks like she’s going to cry. Randy thought she sucked. So did Paula. Simon actually thought it wasn’t bad, liked her stage presence, and demonstrates that he remembered her name this time. Haley looks like she’s going to faint. She’s like, “I messed up my words, and I feel like such a shmuck,” and that’s pretty endearing.

Phil Stacey, looking fabulously vampiric in a black shirt and eyebrows darker than I remember them. He’s actually doing a very nice job with the whole singing thing. I’d almost forgotten that was the goal here. Randy liked his vocals. Paula didn’t like the arrangement. Why are they blaming these kids for bad arrangements? Simon thought it was “okay.” I’m getting tired.

LaKisha Jones, who does a predictably nice job with “God Bless the Child.” Yeah, this is exactly how you’re supposed to sing this song. Randy loved it. So did Paula. Simon adores her.

Blake Lewis, who, to his credit, did his own arrangement for this. “You Keep Me Hanging On.” I dig Blake. He’s kind of doing a “techno” spin on the song, and I had high hopes for it, but it falls flat. It’s, like, half-techno, half-1960s, and it doesn’t work. I really hoped he’d totally commit to a fresh arrangement, and he didn’t. It’s possible that the producers just didn’t fully accommodate his vision for the song, but this comes off awkward for me. Randy liked it, but reminds him that he doesn’t have to “Blake-ize” every song. Paula talks. Simon’s all like, “I didn’t get that,” because Simon’s the only one paying attention to anything happening on that stage.

Beyonce Stephanie Edwards, singing “Love Hangover.” She’s doing a great job vocally, and then she grabs the mic off the stand and starts strutting around stage Beyonce-style. I like Stephanie Edwards, but we don’t really need her on the music scene when we have Beyonce Knowles. Paula is up out of her seat and “dancing,” and suddenly I’m transported to a parallel universe in which an award-winning choreographer thinks dancing is performing pelvic thrusts against the table with growing abandon. For what it’s worth, they’re two-thirds of the way done giving her notes before I notice, because I was too busy thinking about whether I should take NyQuil or codeine syrup to insure that I sleep tonight. That’s how much I care about Stephanie. Anyway, these notes don’t matter, no one liked the arrangement (jesusfuckingchrist, it’s not American Musical Arranger, guys), but they all seem to agree that her vocals were decent.

Okay, someone named Chris is up now, and it’s not Chris Sligh, and I swear to you I have absolutely no recollection of this person. I have never seen him before in my whole life. I am certain now that the original male contestant died late last week after drinking from Paula’s Coke cup, and, in order to avoid a scandal, the producers just swept the whole thing under the rug and stuck some new kid in his place as though nothing ever happened. I have no idea who this guy is. No idea. WHO IS THIS KID AND WHAT IS ON HIS FACE? A moustache? That is much too dignified a term for that thing crawling above his lip. He looks like he could be Kevin Federline’s less attractive kid brother. Just as talented, too. That’s probably who he is. Someone was all like, “Where can we find a teenage kid at three o’clock in the morning” and one of the props guys was on his way to K-Fed’s to pick up a dime bag and so they called him on his cell and they were all like “Hey, how old are Kevin’s kids? Oh really? Yeah, that won’t work. Does he have a little brother? Tell him we have a periwinkle shirt he can wear.” Anyway, Randy and Paula liked it. Simon thought it was “dreadful,” because Simon is right.

Jordin Sparks. Ha! She’s warming up with Diana Ross, and I keep thinking that I know this song from somewhere. A movie or a TV show. I can’t quite place it. Then, Ryan, to the rescue! “This song was featured in The Land Before Time.” Yes! That’s it! Littlefoot! Oh I LOVE this song. And the young Jordin, who hasn’t blown my mind yet this season, really brings it home. Wow, she’s actually giving me chills, which may be in part because I have such a strong childhood attachment to this song, but she’s doing a phenomenal job with it. Randy is impressed with her. Paula loves her. Simon loved it and thinks she has a shot at the finals. Every time Jordin stands next to Ryan it makes me laugh. She is Gulliver and he is a Lilliputian. It’s so funny.

Praise the Lord, we are done. If Sanjaya doesn’t go home tomorrow, I quit. Honestly.