That’s Anna Nicole’s Story and She’s Sticking to It

I was so excited for Tuesday. On January 23, Anna Nicole Smith was supposed to bring her new baby, Dannielynn (okay, if I can’t ever spell this name right on the first try, how does Anna Nicole even have a chance?), in for paternity testing, per a court order. Larry Birkhead, Smith’s former paramour, had asked for the test, contesting Anna’s claim that the girl’s father is Anna’s lawyer, super-stud Howard K. Stern. Birkhead claims the baby is his.

However, it turns out that Anna Nicole’s crack legal team has potency outside of the reproductive arena. They were able to convince an L.A. judge to stay the order, citing something about how the case was never tried in the Bahamas (pay no attention to anything about the legal aspects of this case I may mention — I have no idea what I’m talking about). So, alas, this is not the week we all get to hear Anna Nicole’s explanation of how exactly she could be so completely wrong about who fathered her child.

But never fear! We will not be completely without Anna’s unique brand of articulate. TMZ obtained a private AOL Instant Messenger convo between Anna and Larry Birkhead. This is possible because TMZ employs some of the most talented Internet hackers on the planet — namely, Larry Birkhead (handle: N0 tr0jAn). Here’s the text of the convo, which led me to actually pray that this child’s father is Howard K. Stern, because at least he had a strong enough grasp on verb conjugation to get through law school.

Anna Nicole: quit trash me at the casino
Larry: not at a casino
Anna Nicole: go fuck my mom to
Anna Nicole: Yall are sick
Larry: show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole: don’t think so
Anna Nicole: u wish
Larry: everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole: in your dreams

Here at The Beet, we just wishes for there be resolushun in this matter before Danilyn be’s old enuf to understand what go on around her.