Aptly Named Bad Guy Tries to Blackmail Oprah Winfrey

There’s really not much dirt to this story (not yet, at least). Essentially, some dude talked to some California-based employee of Oprah Winfrey’s company and taped conversations in which the employee said mean things about Oprah. Then the bad guy emailed Oprah and was like “Hey, your employee said mean things about you, and I’m going to write a book about it.”

So Oprah’s folks contacted the FBI first, and then contacted the bad guy, and they were like “Okay, dude who taped phone conversations with someone who is not Oprah Winfrey and now hopes to use things said by not-Oprah Winfrey to blackmail Oprah Winfrey, sure, we will totally give you $1.5 million dollars to not write a book about mean things a mid-level employee said about Oprah Winfrey. And we’ll totally also wire you $3000 in earnest money. A full 0.2%!! Yeah, that’s pretty much the standard earnest percentage in blackmail. No, really. We ran this one by our lawyers. Trust us. Meet us tomorrow in a parking lot for the rest. We’ll be wearing red hats. This will go smoothly for all parties.”

So, um, needless to say, the dude was arrested the next day.

Here’s my favorite part of all of this. The bad guy’s name is Keifer Bonvillain. Bonvillain. Isn’t that just the best name ever for a criminal? It’s so … Cruella DeVille. If I ever choose to pursue a life as a career criminal, I’m totally making that my last name. And I’ll wear black berets and bright red lipstick and smoke with a jade cigarette holder and whisper orders in a faux French accent. Omigosh I am soooo ready to rob a bank!!! I would be sooo adorable!!!