Hello world!
My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.
Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!
So without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):
There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.
2. Kristen Bell
The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.
3. Amber Rose
Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.
4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum
I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.
Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March. For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.
6. Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t. I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now. She looks … sort of malnourished. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term. A Great Blue Whale.
7. Sophie Dahl
Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity. If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I. Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.
8. Busy Philipps
I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.
9. This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra. Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.
10. Malin Akerman
No, Malin wasn’t impregnated by French-kissing Tom Cruise -she is expecting in June by her legitimate husband who, presumably, put a bun in her oven the conventional way.
11. Jessica Simpson
I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not. Jess is going to have a boy.
12. Kim Kardashian
And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there. There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”
*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.
Photos courtesy of Just Jared, Glamour Magazine, and Splash News.
Ugh, another cat person…
I guess you meant, “fuck yes, another cat person”.
Nope.
I read it that way, too.
Congrats bobby welcome :) I wish you the best and good luck with your pregnancy :) cats are the best !!!!!! They really get a bad wrap :(
Bad wrap? Now that you mention it, cats are often poorly wrapped. Sometimes, they are also wrapped with a negative connotation. For instance, my husband likes to “burrito” my cat by wrapping her up in a blanket all snuggly; I would indeed consider that a “bad wrap.”
Hi Bobby! I like cats so bring ’em!
Welcome, Bobby!! I cannot think of ANYONE who has played their fifteen seconds like Amber. She was literally plucked from a strip-club by Kanye & now she’s on celebrity websites and carrying a damn Chanel bag. #getmoneybitch!
I agree Jacq, I don’t really know how she’s managed to extend her 15 seconds for so long, but she must know what she’s doing.
Also, welcome Bobby!
I like you, Bobbmeister! Bobb-o-ramaaaa, makin’ copies… I’ll be nice :)
‘sup pikki…. Do I need to be nice or should I just be me?
Just be your fabulous snarky self, yes please & thanks! The bloggers deserve respect….annoying and/or ignorant commenters, not so much. :P
Ju got it baby….. I need to hit Cali soon, I’ve got a feeling we could have a blast at the karaoke bars in Korea town… I haven’t been in years!
an evilbeet karaoke party…why that sounds like a fine idea! but then the jig will be up; are you ready to meet guest face to feckin’ face?? that’s assuming the kookoo has cojones…
I WANT A KARAOKE PARTY!
Nope, this is only for the cool folks… I will be in tahoe for a couple weeks next winter, actually counting the days!! Skiing is essential to my immortal soul & can’t ski this winter due to blowing up my knee playing rugby last season! Time to stop acting like I’m still 20 I guess, but even though I’m 49 I know thats NEVER gonna happen!
Funniest I’ve ever seen in a karaoke bar in Tokyo…. Overweight Japanese businessman gets up to the mic and starts singing… Feerings, nothing more than feeeerings!
Funniest thing I’ve ever seen in a karaoke bar: two Mexican businessmen (still in their suits) in New Orleans singing “New York, New York.” It was fabulous.
@pikki nikki polka pants
Says the person who results to name calling because she can’t come up with anything else to defend her behavior. So now you and CHAZ are stalking people? Figures! The only thing kookoo is your hypocrisy. Will you and CHAZ ever take your own advice?
@CHAZ
Cool people? Like people who get off on seeing dirty tampons? It always amazes me how CHAZ double speaks. Everyone else is crazy, yet it’s him (a 49 yo) who takes pleasure in seeing photos of dirty tampons and posting about “beef curtains”!
I’m betting that I’m not the only person who thinks you might benefit from exercising your beef curtains….. Judges?
What is Guest doing outside a Leanne Rimes posting? Is the apocalyse here??? The thought of Guest excersing her beef curtains even just in the comments section of a post titled “everyone’s pregnant” gives me the heebie-jeebies. Sorry Chaz, thumbs down from this judge.
@CHAZ
Says the 49 yo who gets off on photos of dirty tampons!
Isn’t this the same conversation you, Leann, and several of her fans were having on twitter last night about the BBs? It’s funny how all of Leann’s fans seem to think that the only reason people don’t like Leann is because they are not getting laid(at least that is the way you, Leann, and her regulars put).
When people see your posts about wanting to see photos of dirty tampons and beef curtains, it’s just makes it even more obvious that you are the one who is needs to exercise your
beef curtains….. Judges?
Things must really be bad for Leann because here you go again!
@Bonnakins
What is “BONNAKINS” doing outside a Leanne Rimes posting? Is the apocalyse here??? The thought of CHAZ excersing his/her beef curtains even just in the comments section of a post titled “everyone’s pregnant” gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. Sorry “BONNAKINS”, thumbs down from this judge.
I love how bonnakins always shows up just after a few moments after CHAZ does!
I’m not Chaz, Guest, I’m bonnakins.
Well, technically, not even bonnakins as Bonnie is one of my cats. Whatever. I am not Chaz either way. I am 35, female, and avoiding my kid because I don’t want to play another game of Uno tonight. Sorry crazy Guest, I have better things to do then debate my identity with you. The kid and I have settled on a Scobby Doo movie and a beer for me.
Bonnakins, you’ve my apologies! I didn’t think it through, you are right about the heebie-jeebie factor. Think Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and the opening is akin to prying open a cold grilled cheese sammich!
@bonnakins
That explains your posts. Perhaps you should put down that beer because it’s clouding your judgement! and Sorry crazy “bonnakins”. I love when posters like “bonnakins” think that they are being funny, but they just reveal more disturbing things about themselves. If you had better things to do, then you would be doing it, not here posting about me!
As always it’s the same 4 or 5 “different” people!
now you’re really harassing the locals, dear guest. see, iiiiii did not seek you out. but i am an instigator like yourself; we can relate to each other. it’s OK, fiesty guest, i’m pretty crazy myself! in the best possible way, that’s how i choose to look at it, so hey, take it as a compliment & simmer down now. nice to see you trying new posts today – take a break from that leann bimbo. right on.
alrighty then, back to awesome karaoke stories, y’all: during the guitar solo on “bad to the bone”, my friend fell to the ground, dramatically playing an inflatable guitar, then his buddy picked up his legs & dragged him around the whole bar on his back while he went to town on dat axe. it was weird…workaholics style, these guys…
Pikki, how very Iggy Pop-esque of your friend.
:: insert Facebook thumbs up here ::
Welcome and I love dogs but ying and yang always makes it more interesting.
Guys! I have seen what are you capable of, so thank you for being SO nice. Just to clarify: I also love puppies, dolphins, storks, otters and beavers, elephants, horses, bush babies, and moths (because they are fuzzy) – and really, I love all animals – but I only own a cat, and cat photos is what I can offer you…
@pikki nikki, hahaha. I needed some help with the vintage SNL reference (I’m from Europe) but this is sweet :)
Moths are awesome until they fly all up in your face because you never know which way they’re gonna go. Bastards.
Agreed. This is probably why I’ve been terrified of moths my entire life.
I adore moths. Go read Elizabeth Bishop’s “Man-moth” and you’ll understand. They always go to the light, no matter what!
Sigh. Welcome. SSDD.
Despite of being. Oy.
Tell us about the time your mother, Michelle Pfeiffer, was pregnant with you.
I wish!
It’s a major bummer that I can’t name my daughter Michelle because it would be funny. And I love the name Michelle…But hey, it might be another boy.
Go with Mitchell if it’s a boy. Selena Kyle Pfeiffer or Louanne Johnson Pfeiffer (Dangerous Minds) if it’s a girl.
(Because you should ALWAYS take advice from the person in the comments section.)
Glad to have you as a writer! Also, congrats on the pregnancy!
Are you really one of Michelle’s kids? I love the cat pix and celebs in dumb clothing choices but I’m totally OVER repulsive pregnant chicks (i.e. Jessica Simpson, Amber Rose and all those other cows that look like that Mesopotamia fertility goddess thing). Bring me scalding scandal and I’ll be you cybe-slave for life.
Uh, yes…yes, I am! I totally am Michelle’s daughter.
I’m very opened to suggestions about which celebrities you guys would want to read about. I don’t much care for pregnant celebs either, it just seemed like a fitting theme of my first post, considering.
As far as scandal goes, I can’t quite, you know – fabricate any – but I’ll sure be on it when it happens. We all need a brand new and fresh train wreck to talk smack about, I think.
New train wreck, new cat pictures, yes! Count me in!
“I’m very opened to suggestions about which celebrities you guys would want to read about.”
Ohh! I love you already! Congrats, congrats, and yes to cats.
For me, it’s more of an issue of who I would like to read LESS about. LeAnn, Kanye/Kim, Stodden, Rihanna/Brown, Swift, and Bieber. I am so burned out on these burnouts. (Though please continue the coverage of GOOP – her brand of crazy is still fascinating to me.)
Oh! And more about Sophie Dahl (she is ADORABLE!) – more about a wider variety of celebs in general.
Open to suggestions? Tom Hiddleston. UNF.
Yay suggestions! Zac Levi prease.
Richard Armitage, Eli Roth, musicians other than the top 10 pop charters.
Anyone/anything related to the Hobbit, Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Girls, Mad Men, The Walking Dead.
I second Taeko. We need more geek chic, and a little more popular tv show coverage. And give us some Joss Whedon!
No! No! Don’t make anything up! From what I’ve seen (and, no doubt, from what YOU’VE seen), the truth is more outrageous and, well, fun than anything you could dream up: i.e. Mel Gibson’s hot tub B.J rants. I like that stuff.
@bonnakins
What is “BONNAKINS” doing outside a Leanne Rimes posting? Is the apocalyse here??? The thought of CHAZ excersing his/her beef curtains even just in the comments section of a post titled “everyone’s pregnant” gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. Sorry “BONNAKINS”, thumbs down from this judge.
I love how bonnakins always shows up just after a few moments after CHAZ does!
Hi Bobby, my two favorite things are cats and rock ‘n roll!! Welcome to the family!!
I hear you all! And taking notes! Cats are guaranteed, and the rest is coming up!
*rolls up sleeves and licks pen*
Wait! Are you calling attention to your pregnancy in your photo or are you throwing a gang sign? Harmless? I don’t think so!
@CHAZ
Heebie-jeebie factor= A 49 yo getting off on photos of dirty tampons. Think Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and the opening is akin to prying open a cold grilled cheese sammich!
That’s precisely your problem. You never think it through, then you spend the remaining hours of the day name calling, playing the victim, or making some creepy comments. Now you are upset because I pointed out how Leann fans always pull out the “people who hate on Leann just need to get laid” card (or as you put it “exercise their beef curatins” )card and how Leann and 3 of her most loyal fans were on twitter last night doing exactly what you did here?
@pikki nikki polka pants
How am I the instigator? There you go rewriting history and playing the victim yet again. What is it with people like CHAZ/meh/pikki nikki polka pants
/bonnakins who always pull out the victim card when they get called out for the things that they do? Considering that this all started when YOU, not me, wrote post @January 25, 2013 at 7:49 pm, there is a major problem with your logic.
You didn’t seek me out? Go back to what you posted @January 25, 2013 at 7:49 pm. So that makes YOU the instigator. The only thing you relate to is playing the victim and rewriting history to make yourself look like the wronged party. Why not take responsibilty for your actions? You wrote the post about me, then you get mad when it doesn’t work in your favor. Take it as a compliment & simmer down now. nice to see you trying new posts today even though you claim that you are the victim – take a break from that leann bimbo. I know that Leann is having a meltdown on twitter right now, but it doesn’t mean that you have to have one too! right on.
@guest/damage control/ shithead
Christ.
You’re still accusing everyone of fraud, when you are the actual fraud. Sarah already told you we are in fact all different people, but no apology from you of course.
You’re still fighting with everybody all day long, aiming to be hated. It IS your only option. Except being invisible.
You’re still lying about people, defrauding people, stalking people.
No change. No improvement. No WORTH.
You are an AWFUL person. I wish you didn’t exist, and that’s why I’m not reading here once Sarah and Emily are gone.
CranAppleSnapple/SAMIGIRL/ANON/CHAZ
Says the person who stated that she only posts here and on AG and then was discovered on The Superficial stalking and harassing a person! CAS/CHAZ Why are you always playing the victim and whining about how you are not going to read here if you don’t get your way(which we all know is a lie because the day you posted as guest1 and wrote the comment about The Superficial, you made it obvious that you are still here posting and reading)?
You’re still fighting with everybody, playing the victim, and rewriting history all day long, aiming to be hated. And then you have the nerve to demand an apology? No change. No improvement. No WORTH. You are an AWFUL person. And Why do you keep telling people that you aren’t reading here or haven’t posted here?
Once again why are you rewriting history? You’re still trying to cover for yourself, arguing that people are lying about you, defrauding you, or stalking you. Why? And your own posts constradict you. Speaking of fraud and being awful, did you tell everyone about what you did to the person on The Superficial? Did you tell everyone how eveytime that person made a post you showed up calling her Brandi? Not only did you call the person Brandi, but you said some really nasty things about Brandi(which so happen to be the same things we are seeing CHAZ post here). And should we get on your hate campaign against the teacher Leann is suing? Did you tell everyone what you did to her?
Everybody? Nope it’s just you/meh/CHAZ/bonnakins/pikki nikki polka pants. The same 4 or 5 “different” people each and every time. Now why might people think that some of the people who post here are the same or that you and CAS/CHAZ are the same? The posts that CHAZ leaves here are the same ones that you have been making on The Superficial. The same obsession with “beef curtains”! What are the odds? So is CHAZ using your name to make posts The Superficial?
Just like clockwork. It shouldn’t be surprising that pikki nikki polka pants/Chaz/bonnakins is having yet another meltdown here, Leann was on twitter throwing a tantrum and whining about how she was being bullied because people called her out for lying about what she said on Jimmy Kimmel.
Yeah, it’s our fault you’re frigid and your twat dried up!
@CHAZ
Says the 49 yo who gets off on photos of dirty tampons.
We know that you are frigid and your “twat” is dried up, hence why at 49 yo your only comeback or means of communication is creepy posts about “girl wood” and “beef curtains”!
The typical response from a Leann fan(people dislike Leann because they are not getting laid)! I love that you are drawing from the conversation that you, Leann, and 3 of her loyal fans had yesterday on twitter because you are “getting laid”. But then again if you were getting laid you wouldn’t be making posts like this!
@guest
WOW. The worst punishment for your vitriol is that you have to live in your head. I hope you can let that nastiness go and find a reprieve.
Bobby – Hello and welcome! Looking forward to hearing from you! Since you’re taking notes, you list one of your specialties as rock and roll music, and you mention a fondness for otters. More of all that goodness, please. Don’t know how you’ll work the otters in, but it would make me enormously happy.
The f*ck did I just read? I know it’s the internet and all, but wow. Are some of you people not taking your medications as prescribed?
Welcome, Bobby! I love kittens. Good luck with your pregnancy! And if Jason Statham ever does something worth talking about, I’d love to see it covered here.
@Cindy
WOW. The worst punishment for your and CHAZ’s vitriol is that you have to live in your head. I hope you, CHAZ, bonnakins, and pikki nikki polka pants can let that nastiness go and find a reprieve. It’s getting funny watching you all play the victim. What is it with people like you and CHAZ?
This continued until 4 am??? Uno with the kid (even with all the random rule changes) suddenly sounds much more appealing. It’s been fun everyone, but man, I do need a life, lol.
@bonnakins
You must be drinking again! If uno with your kid while you were drunk sounded more appealing why are you back again starting up trouble? Leann must be gearing up for yet another meltdown on twitter just like what happened yesterday! Leann’s meltdown was really bad yesterday, she went from tweeting nonstop about Brandi’s kids to posting photos of herself in a bed. Funny how someone went berserk here at the same time Leann was on twitter going nuts! So what is Leann upset about this time? lol.
Continued? If you check out the time codes, you will see that all went silent at about 8 pm and then as usual CAS and another “randomn” poster started it back up. Why do you all insist on playing the victim or rewriting history? I love how you all insist that your truth is reality even when the evidence doesn’t support a thing you say.
Ive got to hear these “random rule changes”
Ok then….. The time stamp on this site is west coast time. It’s about 11:15 here, I’m in the Midwest but am on east coast time. Guest either wakes early or crashes late…
@CHAZ
Didn’t you see “bonnakins” post from Friday? Random rule changes include drinking a beer! Or hat is what bonnakins said on Friday when she declared that she was so above it all, so much so that she was going to have a beer and watch Scooby doo with her child!
@CHAZ
Wow, the 49 yo who gets off on photos of dirty tampons is back. It’s not surprising. Leann had a moment of weakness and just couldn’t resist tweeting about Brandi’s kids yet again just like I suspected! What a meltdown Leann is having. I love that when Leann is having a meltdown so is CHAZ/CAS/bonnakins/meh/pikki nikki polka pants! CHAZ either wakes early or crashes late…or he is on twitter having conversations with Leann and the rest of his buddies!
OMG! Bobbie, you and I have sumin in common! We both like Beavers, YaaaaY!!!!
HI Bobby, welcome and bonus like for that awesome pic of Kim K. Along with Gwyneth she’s my fav target!