LIVEBLOG: The 2012 MTV Video Music Awards!

Is this song why Kristen Stewart bailed on coming? Is that it?

And oh, good. Taylor Swift’s going to perform the closer. Is she going to burn all of her ex-boyfriends in effigy, too? … You guys DO know that this song is about Jake Gyllenhall, right?

Worst acceptance speech ever. It’s video of the year, FFS. Boo.

So Rihanna wins video of the year. Is this where she and Chris Brown will be reuniting? Right here? She gonna thank Chris Brown?

… And it’s pretty cheesy that they brought Gabby Douglas out. Yeah, it must have been the coolest thing ever for her, but still. Pretty cheesy.

Alicia Keys definitely still has it.

I think Ke$ha got some facial work done. For reals. And did she really say that Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose have made the “hottest” and “coolest” baby ever? Because that’s just frightening. All of that.

Robert Pattinson looks SMOKiN’. But I am—I AM—sad that Kristen Stewart isn’t there.

I’d still totally do Billie Joe Armstrong.

… Is that William Hung?

Also, remember when I said that Lil Wayne is definitely the most ridiculous person that ever existed? Nicki Minaj is up there, too.

I can’t believe that Nicki Minaj won anything. My abs hurt, and I don’t think it’s just from all of the sit-ups.

I guess One Direction is about to “rock the VMA stage.” I’m going to take this opportunity to go and do some crunches or something.

Lil Wayne is definitely the most ridiculous person that ever existed.

Can I tell you that I have a huge crush on Andy Samberg?

Frank Ocean, I’m just not impressed.

“Thank you, thank you, thank my fans, I’m a woman-beater, blah blah blah, CEREAL HAIR.”

I REALLY, REALLY DISLIKE CHRIS BROWN.

I really, really dislike Taylor Swift.

I just threw up in my mouth a bit, seeing Chris Brown and his breakfast cereal hair.

Pink is actually singing. Live.

OH OH OH. Miley Cyrus’s hair is on TEE-VEE Y’ALL!

I think Kevin Hart is on drugs. Cocaine-drugs.

Trivia: Kevin Hart is 5’2″. That’s an inch shorter than me.

So. So this is One Direction. Guess what, guys—this is the first time you’ve heard about them on the site, and this is the last time you’ll hear about them on the site. Congratulations on winning. Gag.

Katy Perry presents the award for Best Pop Video. And everybody hates her.

… That was disappointing.

Oh YES PLEASE TALK ABOUT KRISTEN STEWART.

So … Drake’s at fault for the club brawl, then? That what this is?

I had to Google this guy [Kevin Hart]. I had no idea who he is. And I still kind of don’t.

I love how they cut to Drake’s face when Rihanna finished her song. What, did the cameras expect to catch him drooling or something?

I’m sorry, but ‘We Found Love’ completely sucks as a song.

Isn’t she afraid that she’s going to get punched in the face, walking through the crowd like that? Chris Brown has got to be somewhere, huh?

Why is Rihanna emerging from the Kraken’s vulva?
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So it begins! We’ll be updating regularly throughout the show, and will be bold-facing the winners in each of the following categories:

Video of the Year
Katy Perry, “Wide Awake”
Gotye, “Somebody That I Used To Know”
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
M.I.A., “Bad Girls”

Best New Artist
Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful”
The Wanted, “Glad You Came”

Best Hip-Hop Video
Childish Gambino, “Heartbeat”
Drake feat. Lil Wayne, “HYFR”
Kanye West feat. Pusha T, Big Sean & 2 Chainz, “Mercy”
Watch the Throne, “Paris”
Nicki Minaj feat. 2 Chainz, “Beez in the Trap”

Best Male Video
Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
Chris Brown, “Turn Up the Music”
Usher, “Climax”

Best Female Video
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Katy Perry, “Part of Me”
Beyoncé, “Love on Top”
Nicki Minaj, “Starships”
Selena Gomez & The Scene, “Love You Like a Love Song”

Best Pop Video
One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful”
Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”
Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa, “Payphone”

Best Rock Video
Coldplay, “Paradise”
The Black Keys, “Lonely Boy”
Linkin Park, “BURN IT DOWN”
Jack White, “Sixteen Saltines”
Imagine Dragons, “It’s Time”

Best Electronic Dance Music Video
Duck Sauce, “Big Bad Wolf”
Calvin Harris, “Feel So Close”
Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”
Martin Solveig, “The Night Out”
Avicii, “Le7els”

Best Video With a Message
Demi Lovato, “Skyscraper”
Rise Against, “Ballad of Hollis Brown”
Kelly Clarkson, “Dark Side”
Gym Class Heroes, “The Fighter”
K’Naan feat. Nelly Furtado, “Is Anybody Out There?”
Lil Wayne, “How to Love”

Best Art Direction
Katy Perry, “Wide Awake”
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
Lana Del Rey, “Born to Die”
Regina Spektor, “All the Rowboats”
Of Monsters & Men, “Little Talks”

Best Choreography
Chris Brown, “Turn Up the Music”
Rihanna, “Where Have You Been”
Beyoncé, “Countdown”
Avicii, “Le7els”
Jennifer Lopez f/Pitbull, “Dance Again”

Best Cinematography
M.I.A., “Bad Girls”
Adele, “Someone Like You”
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
Coldplay feat. Rihanna, “Princess of China”
Lana Del Rey, “Born to Die”

Best Direction
M.I.A., “Bad Girls”
Duck Sauce, “Big Bad Wolf”
Coldplay feat. Rihanna, “Princess of China”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
Watch the Throne, “Otis”

Best Editing
Beyoncé, “Countdown”
A$AP Rocky, “Goldie”
Gotye, “Somebody That I Used to Know”
Watch the Throne, “Paris”
Kanye West feat. Pusha T, Big Sean and 2 Chainz, “Mercy”

Best Visual Effects
Katy Perry, “Wide Awake”
Rihanna, “Where Have You Been”
David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj, “Turn Me On”
Linkin Park, “BURN IT DOWN”
Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”

For now, sit back, strap in (or, you know, on), and let the f-ckery unfold.