Justin Bieber: “I’m 18 Years Old And I’m A Swaggy Adult!”

GQ just did an interview with Justin Bieber, and it’s probably the best interview I’ve ever read with him. It’s amazing. It’s probably even better than the interview with Rolling Stone where he said that Americans were evil and that his opinion on politics were “whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.” I mean, the opening sentence is “I have been told specifically that I will be able to punch Justin Bieber in the face,” so of course it’s going to be incredible. I’ll show you guys some of the best parts, but if you enjoy giggling at Justin Bieber, then you’re definitely going to want to read the whole thing.

While waiting for Justin: After a few minutes, I noticed that someone had drawn a bunch of dicks all over the grease board by the door. So I pointed at them and asked, “Hey, who drew all the dicks?” One of the sound engineers immediately jumped up, ran over, and erased them with his sleeve. This is the new and mature Bieber.

Describing Justin: His voice is so high, it sounds like a ringtone. There is no way around it: Justin Bieber is a very small human being. He’s 18, but he could easily pass for someone six years younger. His rep says he’s five feet nine, but he looks about four feet four, maybe one hundred pounds. I shake his hand, and it feels like there should be more hand there.

Justin’s attention span: I have been warned by several people, including some people in his own camp, that Bieber has a very short attention span. This is correct. He is amazingly distractible. He also bursts into song a lot, at random intervals, no matter who’s around. (…Money on my mind and you on my mind, too much on my mind…) If it were anyone else, this would be annoying, but this is Justin Bieber, so every improvised song fragment is intended as a present to whoever’s around him.

Justin Bieber cusses: I ask Bieber if he’d like to venture outside the studio to talk over dinner, but he declines. “It’s just a pain in the ass,” he says.

Justin on education: “As far as education goes, you should be a smarter person.”

Justin on drinking: “For me, it’s just like, I like to be in control of myself. I mean, I’ve had a beer, like, before…. But I never get out of control.”

Justin gets a new customized van: Everyone gathers around as Bieber tours the van. He is euphoric. So much so that he has decided to pledge his loyalty to West Coast Customs forever and to decry its rival, Platinum Motorsport. “F-ck Platinum,” he says. “Platinum can suck a dick, man. West Coast all day.”

Justin on swag: “I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult!” he yells. “Come on, swaggy bros!”

Bieber’s rapping: His flow is slower than prostate cancer.

Justin loves Kim Kardashian: He catches Kaye [his business adviser] ragging on Kim Kardashian. “That bitch should never wear white in public again,” she says. Bieber gets mildly indignant and sticks up for Kardashian. “You guys are so mean, bro…. People say she doesn’t do anything; she actually does do stuff…. She works hard.”

Justin’s exit line: “GOOD NIGHT, BITCHES!”

I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea that Justin is this much of a little douchebag. Sure, we all knew he was somewhat douchey, but the random singing? The drawing of dicks? “I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult”? I never imagined it was this bad, you guys.