Joey Thompson Danced for Me This Weekend and Other Reasons Why He Should Be on Ellen

What did you guys do, huh?

This past Saturday I sat down and Skyped with Joey Thompson, or, you know, The Guy Who Keeps Doing the Ryan Gosling Videos. ‘What Ryan Gosling videos?’ you might ask? Well, this one for example. And then, of course, there’s this one.

Like I told you last week, Joey’s latest endeavor is to appear on the Ellen DeGeneres show, so I decided that we here at Evil Beet could try to help him along his way, because he’s funny, charming, and above all, not above making a fool out of himself for perfect strangers, and there’s nothing I admire more than that.

The interview was comfortable and entertaining, but the most effective thing of all was probably the dance that he did at the end of our interview, which I will, graciously, post here for you all to see:

So! Now that you’ve seen what Joey and company have to offer, you should probably read the interview, and for the love of God, send him to Ellen already, OK? READY SET INTERVIEW.

“We’ve got a disco atmosphere going on here,” I say, as the lights flash off and on in the room that Ryan Gosling lookalike Joey Thompson is Skyping me from. “Where’s the mirrorball?”

We begin the interview easily, “shaking hands” and making small talk. I asked him what his day was like: “I run a production company as my job and we’ve been working on a video for an Ivy League university. It’s been a little tedious. Long day. What have you been doing?”

I filled him in on the three hours of riding my lawn tractor and how overgrown my property was with some kind of weird strain of clover. We proceeded to talk about football for a few minutes, and he marveled at the fact that I have three favorite teams: “I have one favorite – it’s called the Panthers,” says Joey, who’s a South Carolina native. Who’s still living in South Carolina.

“I’m in sweet old South Carolina. Someone’s revving their engine outside our office right now. I’m just a little southern boy. I dip and play sports and fish and that’s what I like to do. When I’m not kissing my sister, I like to bowl. And I can really knock some pins down if you know what I mean.”

The latter part of his monologue was affected with a … well, an affected Southern accent. I make a mental note to ask if this is his actual accent, or if his deadpan, accent-free way of talking is how things actually are. Of course, I forget.

And naturally, because I have the mind of a fourteen year old boy who lives in the gutter, his “knock some pins down” comment leads me to think about penises and vaginas. So I ask him: “Vagazzling. How do you feel about vagazzling?”

“The javelin?” he asks.

I laugh – “No, vagazzling.”

“Wait, j – jaggling?”

“OK, no, like the bedazzler. Rhinestones? Rhinestones. You take, like, rhinestones and glue them, or – or you rivet them – to your vaginal area.”

“Oh, to my genital …

… area? Oh, yeah. That’s, like, pretty normal. That’s common.”

So it’s like an every day thing, I ask.

“Actually, on my third birthday, that was the first time I got jaggled.”

Vagazzled.

“Yes, that,” he agrees.

The lights go on and all of a sudden a man in jockey shorts emerges, holding two half-full Windex bottles. The lights go off just as abruptly, and we don’t speak of the incident, though I’ve filed the image away for future reference.

I proceed. “So what’s your favorite part on a woman?”

“Uh, what’s my favorite part on a woman? Mm. All of them. I like the nose, because it’s very sensual. There’s so much you can do with a nose, like if a girl’s fighting you, you can pinch her nose together and then when she does that [speaks nasally], you can’t get mad at her because she sounds funny when she talks. … So when a girl starts yelling at me, I usually just go up to her and say, ‘Come on, honey, don’t do that [pinches nose] … Look how cute you look right now. I – I think the nose is, like, very erotic. I don’t know if you want me to get into … uh, this. … Is this [awkward] for you right now?”

I laugh, blush and avoid the question. “What’s your favorite part on a man?”

He knows the answer to this question right off the bat. “The face. The face, because it braces my punches very well. It’s like a pillow for my punches. I would say I hit about five guys in the face in a day. ”

“Five in a day,” I say. “All before breakfast, I assume.”

“Yeah,” he answers. “Lots of people, man, they come up to you and say ‘Hey man, what’s going on, how you doing,’ – I don’t really want to talk to you, I’ll be honest: boom. That’s your face. ‘Hey, what’s up man, I’m your dad, I love you’ – in your face. Not now, pops. So, you know.”

“Heard that,” I say. Changing gears, I tell him about Evil Beet. “Evil Beet Gossip is a celebrity gossip site – so, naturally, I need to know: who are your three celebrity crushes? Like, if you could nail three celebrities right now, who would they be?”

Without missing a beat, he says, “The Dixie Chicks.”

“Really?!” I squawk. I consider ending the interview immediately.

“Hell no!” he scoffs. “No, [it’d be] Scarlett Johansson, Demi Lovato/Selena Gomez (who he says are interchangable), and Eva Mendes.”

I tell him that if he thought I thought he was joking about Eva Mendes, he was wrong – I thought the joke was about Selena Gomez.

We discuss a variety of things after this (the Olsen twins killed Heath Ledger … spitting in Kanye West’s mouth; par for the course in this interview).

“You know, I want you to know that a lot of people think I’m just, like, some … like, a bunch of people that watch the [How to Look Like Ryan Gosling] videos think, ‘Aw, you’re a cute little … funny nice guy, but you’re finding out first-hand that I’m pretty messed up, OK? I’m pretty demented.”

Well, good, I say. I tell him that I was hoping that was the case, because there’s another completely ridiculous, demented question waiting in the wings, and I fire off “If you had to hook up with Rush Limbaugh or punch a baby in the face, which would you choose?” I take a long drink of my coffee.

“That’s easy. I would go back in time, and hook up with Rush Limbaugh as a baby, and punch him in the face. I’m going to kiss a baby Rush Limbaugh and then punch him in the face.”

I practically spit my coffee out and after the two of us laugh at the absurdity of the entire conversation, I consider the Rush Limbaugh theme.

“OK,” I continue. “Well, if you were going to pick up Rush Limbaugh in a bar, what would be your pickup line?

“Well, I only have one pickup line,” says Joey. “It’s ‘Are you into bestiality, because I’m an animal’.”

Have you actually ever used that on somebody? Did they punch you in the face?

“Well see, because I live in South Carolina, I run into my cousins a whole lot, and … Have I ever used that? No, not at all.”

I assure him that chicks would go crazy for it, and encourage him to use it next time he’s out and about. He changes the subject abruptly: “I don’t want you to go yet,” he says, “but to conclude this interview, I would like to dance to a rap song for you.”

“That would be really, really great, actually.”

We talk more about rapping and rap labels (both of which I admit to knowing nothing about), and the occasional “jaggling” gets thrown in there.

Tell me about your production company, Dinobrite, I ask.

“I am actually there right now.” A dude enters the video. “This is my business partner, Fabio.”

Fabio says, “Hi! We’re Dinobrite. We started off as lovers, big committment, but when we found out we couldn’t get married in South Carolina, we thought ‘Hey, let’s do the next-best thing, let’s start an LLC together. So we still get to file taxes together like a real couple, it’s like a marriage by proxy. And then we started making videos, bought a little flip cam, and people started saying, ‘Wow, that’s some high-quality video, and now we’re doing national ads.”

“Really, though,” Joey interjects, “We make professional videos for a living, and a lot of people are thrown for a loop because they think we’re silly, but it’s all up here.” [Gestures to his temple]

I nod in understanding. I can tell. “So you want to get on the Ellen Show. What do you hope to achieve in doing that?”

“I want Ellen to bring me on the show with Ryan Gosling. I want us to hang out for a day, bro it up, talk about some fun things. I want to direct him in a video and call it ‘How to look like Joey Thompson’, and that’s it, that’s the end of my Ryan Gosling saga. Everybody has fun, we have some laughs, Ellen says, ‘Guy. You are really annoying. Do you know that? You are really annoying to me. And you send us too much mail. And it’s getting old. And you’re kind of looking like a wash-up at a very young age. But yeah.I hope you had fun, please leave my set.’ That’s what I’m hoping will happen.”

That’s good. I like it. It sounds like a plan.

And you should, too. Help Joey get on Ellen by watching his latest video, filling out this form, and by tweeting shit at her incessantly with the hashtag #joeyonellen. OK?