So I finally watched the Roast of Charlie Sheen yesterday—it aired Monday night, yes, but I was busy—and I have to admit this Roast was pretty good. Not Bob Saget good, but then again, what is?
There was a real likelihood of the evening falling flat. How do you parody a parody? How do you make light of wife-beating? And who invites Mike Tyson to do stand-up, even? But the jokes were scathing, and the Roast bit to the quick. I’ve rolled my eyes at Charlie Sheen‘s recent I-Don’t-Have-a-Job Humble Pie Remorse Tour, and I don’t like him, but he sure did take his lumps like a champ. (Some critics are saying the jokes weren’t mean enough, but seriously, how many more jokes about Sheen ruining his kids’ lives did we really need?)
Warming Glow has compiled a comprehensive guide to some of the best zings of the night. Here’s a sampling.
Comedian Anthony Jeselnik, to Charlie Sheen:
– “Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of SVU.”
– “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” (Cut to actor Richard Kind, in the audience, having a heart attack.)
– “If you’re ‘winning’, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns. Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”
Jon Lovitz:
– “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!”
– “You’re just like Bruce Willis: you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
Steve-O of Jackass:
– “Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.”
Charlie, on Charlie:
– “You are all worthy adversaries. But you can’t kill me. Because I can’t kill me.”
The Roast’s guests also roasted one another, as per usual. Actress Kate Walsh, to William Shatner:
– “I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bullsh—t. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.”
Rips on Mike Tyson:
– Seth MacFarlane: “He’s a guy who’s beaten every opponent he’s gone up against—except the letter ‘S.'”
– Jeffrey Ross: “Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”
According to a completely unscientific survey, the evening belonged to comedians Jeffrey Ross and Anthony Jeselnik. Seth MacFarlane was a wonderful roastmaster, and Shatner finished the evening strong. The real #winner, though, was Comedy Central itself: with 6.4 million viewers, it was the highest rated Roast yet.
Despite some uneasy jokes, the mood was positive, and there was also a recurring theme about redemption or whatever. Then, after the Roast was already over, Steve-O finally, successfully broke his own nose against Mike Tyson’s fist. There Steve-O stood, triumphant and stone-sober, even as his nose began to squirt blood.
Here’s William Shatner, dispensing some sage NSFW advice (“Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?”):
Got this DVR’d, and as a guilty pleasure I have to watch every CC Roast.
Agreed that the Bob Saget roast was one of the best. Norm MacDonald was just about brilliant on it.
Shatner roast was good, too.
Oh, my God! Norm MacDonald! I was completely convinced last night that Lovitz was trying to reproduce MacDonald’s Saget success, but instead he fell flat. Can’t beat the real thing!
It was pretty funny for sure, but I missed Lisa Lamponelli. It was odd not to have here there, but it was still a great roast. The joke about Patrice O’Neal deep frying his hands before biting his nails was missed above, but super funny.
AH, YES. I contemplated transcribing every comedian’s joke about Patrice being diabetic, but I traveled the easy route and ignored him. So much work.
But you’re right! That was the real winner! Patrice feigned adorable indignation all night long, but to the “deep-fried fingernails” joke, I distinctly remember him repeating “That’s a good joke!” a couple times, in genuine, mumbly admiration. (Later on, he high-fived someone. He was so game.)
There was another great moment I missed out on talking about, and it was actually my favorite moment: Mike Tyson had been lampooned by comedians all night long, and MacFarlane even tossed in a couple please-don’t-kill-me’s. But when Patrice made his one and only joke about strained race relations (that’s Lampanelli’s job!), it was so perfect. You remember: he told Mike Tyson, “I don’t like how comfortable white people are around you now.” I shrieked aloud, “Right! Mike Tyson’s no clown! He’s a loaded gun!” (I was watching with my boyfriend.) And I liked that joke because it cut the line between a subtle truth and hahahaha MIKE TYSON you’re like a really violent person.
Now that you mention it, I do miss Miss Lampanelli. She’s got all the happy-go-lucky racism of Chelsea Handler, and also the self-deprecation, and also the cattiness, and a little more charm, and all of the fat. <3
That Anthony guy was HORRIBLE! That Amy chick I’d never heard of was much better. Was Tyson on something? He is weird! Liked Lovitz, McFarlane, Shatner & Steve O too.