LIVEBLOG, BITCHES: The 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards

[Update 10:59 PM ET] Best Motion Picture Drama goes to The Social Network. Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The King’s Speech – all great nominees. So … really? Was this fucking movie REALLY that good? I mean, congrats and all, but the damned movie is all about Facebook. The creation of that insipid, intrusive application known as FACEBOOK. All I know is that Andrew Garfield is hot, and I was OK with the fact that he was allowed onstage to help accept an award FOR A MOVIE that was BASED ON FACEBOOK.

Now I’m going to go throw my phone out the window, ditch the laptop into the utility sink (complete with running water), and disconnect my cable. Because after seeing The Social Network win the crap out of everything, I’m totally teched out for the night.

Good night, all.

[Update 10:54 PM ET] Michael Douglas is cancer-free and on stage! And apparently very uncomfortable with it, too.

[Update 10:48 PM ET] Best Motion Picture Actor – Drama: Golden Globe goes to Colin Firth, and though I LOVE LOVE LOVE Colin Firth, and I’d have, like, a zillion of his babies, all I could look at was Sandra Bullock’s new nose, lips, and chin. Girlfriend DID IT UP, and the plastic-ness was overwhelmingly distracting. Sorry, Colin. If it makes you feel better, I would have voted for Ryan Gosling anyway, but only because I was kind of there during filming.

[Update 10:40 PM ET] It’s so funny that I thought Buzz Lightyear, like, my entire life, was voiced by George Clooney. Kind of puts a big spin on things for me. Blows my mind. Kind of like the fact that The Kids Are All Right won Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical. No love for Alice in Wonderland, guys? NONE?

[Update 10:37 PM ET] Best Actress Motion Picture Drama: Natalie Portman takes it, and man, this chick is WAY more pregnant than anyone intimated. I’m also glad that Benjamin Millepied ‘totally wants to sleep’ with her, too, ’cause if not? MILA KUNIS WOULD TOTALLY HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

[Update 10:33 PM ET] Joseph Gordon-Levitt. When did you get so pompous? YOU WERE THE KID ON THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN.

[Update 10:25 PM ET] Best Actor Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical: Well, Johnny Depp was nominated twice, so I say his odds are good … but Paul Giamatti won instead for … wait, what the fuck was he nominated for? And he beat JOHNNY DEPP? OK. I’m going to bed now.

[Update 10:17 PM ET] Best Director for Motion Picture: David Fincher The Social Network. OK, OK. I guess I have to cave and see this movie. The whole concept of Facebook is kind of lost upon me (really, I hate Facebook. Don’t bother sending me any requests on there, ’cause I’m never on and I hate Facebook), but apparently the movie was a bit hit, huh?

[Update 10:00 PM ET] That lipgloss Angelina just put on? HEROIN.

[Update 9:53 PM ET] Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture: I’m kind of hoping anyone BUT Helena Bonham Carter takes this category, especially after the pompous waving-around-of-the-hands thing she just did there. And … Melissa Leo, The Fighter. Good on you, girl.

Best Actor in a TV Series – Comedy or Musical: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang theory. Best comment of the night in this one, too – “My writers – sorry, the writers, how crass.”

[Update 9:47 PM ET] So my dad is a Vietnam Veteran, and when I was a little girl, the first phrase I ever learned was ‘Commie Dog.’ When Jane Fonda walked on-screen, I was warmly reminded of my totally healthy childhood.

[Update 9:42 PM ET] Helen Mirren is definitely one of the most beautiful, classiest women I’ve never met. Also, just HOW MANY awards has Helena Bonham Carter been nominated for? There’s been, like, three so far. Maybe if she wins one, we’ll be able to see which teeth she wore tonight – the pearly white ones or, my favorite, the smudgy brown ones.

Best Actress in a TV Series Comedy: NOT LEA MICHELE NOT LEA MICHELE NOT LEA MICHELE … OH GOOD, not Lea Michelle. Laura Linney takes it for The Big C and the show unceremoniously goes to commericial break. But at least we don’t have to see Lea Michele chewing her femoral artery open at the table. Thank God for small favors, you know?

[Update 9:36 PM ET] Best Foreign Language Film: Looks like Kristen Stewart’s ‘not give a fuck’ has rubbed off on girlfriend Robert Pattinson, because when he presented the winner, you could tell that all he was thinking of was putting on his flannel pants and sparking up a bowl in a few hours when he got back to their lovepad.

Oh, and In a Better World won Best Foreign Langauge film, if that means anything to you.

[Update 9:30 PM ET] Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Miniseries or Movie: Anyone but Lea Michele. ANYONE but Lea Michele. Oh wait. That’s right. She wasn’t nominated. But co-star Jane Lynch wins, so expect to see lots of Lea mugging unattractively for the cameras while Lynch makes her acceptance speech in three … two … one …

[Update 9:24 PM ET] My last update got lost somewhere in the blogosphere, but hey. It was only about Claire Danes winning Best Actress in a TV movie or whatever.

Anyway. Best Screenplay: If The Social Network wins, I’m going to gouge my eyes out. ANYTHING but The Social Network. And the Golden Globe goes to … FUCK.

[Update 9:11 PM ET] Best Actors in a TV Series or Movie: Mm, Dennis Quaid. There’s another guy I’d still totally do. But he didn’t win. Al Pacino for You Don’t Know Jack takes it, but that’s not all that surprising … can you imagine, like, ANYONE winning up against Al Pacino?

[Update 9:09 PM ET] So, Sylvester Stallone’s face kind of looks like what you’d imagine sixty-year-old sausage would if you let it out of its casing.

[Update 9:04 PM ET] Julia Stiles is wearing her ‘Fuck me Michael C. Hall makeup tonight, kids.

[Update 9:03 PM ET] Best Actress Motion Picture Comedy: Angelina is TOTALLY on heroin tonight. I mean, that’s what it’s been about all this time, right? Also, Emma Stone is much hotter in person than in pictures, but alas, it’s not important enough, because Annette Bening wins for The Kids Are All Right. Age before beauty, darling.

[Update 8:55 PM ET] Best Animated Feature Film: If Toy Story 3 does not win this category, like, by a landslide, I’m officially done liveblogging for the night.

And Toy Story 3 takes it! Also, I’d still totally do Tom Hanks.

[Update 8:46 PM ET] Best Original Song – Motion Picture: Christina Aguilera, the Gwyneth Paltrow country movie, Tangled, Chronicles of Narnia song by Carrie Underwood, and another crap Burlesque song. Carrie Underwood’s gotta win it, because frankly, Carrie Underwood wins EVERYTHING.

… But alas, the crap Burlesque song won it. And not even the Christina Aguilera won.

This is going to be an interesting night.

Best Original Score – Motion Picture: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. Go Trent! You’ve officially left the trailer park in which you used to knock boots with Courtney Love. Rock on!

[Update 8:32 PM ET] Best Actor TV Series – Drama: Oh, look. All television shows that I don’t watch but have to know about because it’s my job.

Wow. Boardwalk Empire‘s Steve Buscemi took it out from under Jon Hamm and Hugh Laurie? Snap, guys. Also, boyfriend’s teeth are looking much less snaggly.

Best TV Series – Drama: Boardwalk Empire. OK. I thought for sure that The Walking Dead was going to take it, just based on the obscene amount of Facebook posts I see about the damned show (which wasn’t even all that good, mind you), but hey.

[Update 8:09 PM ET] My thoughts on the gentleman who accepted the award for Carlos: tell me all four of those guys couldn’t speak better English than the guy that they chose to accept it? Because I couldn’t figure out a fucking word that this guy sad, and the cheeseball music wasn’t really helping.

Cue Bruce Willis, thanks.

Glee‘s Chris Colfer for Best Supporting Actor in a Television Series – good pick. Unexpected, but good, and his heartfelt acceptance speech dedicated to the kids that are constantly told ‘no’ was clutch. But if I have to look at Lea Michele’s stupid fucking face again for the rest of the night, it’ll be too soon.