LINDSAY!!!!! WE MISSED YOU!!!!!!

Oh, Lindsay! Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay!!! Thank GOD you’re back!!! OMG, Lindsay, I am soooo sorry if I’ve taken you for granted in the past. I can’t imagine how underappreciated you must have felt, but OMG, Lindsay, life in the gossip world sucks without you. I know I’ve given you shit in the past for leaving assorted rehabs to go on little errands to the gym or to Robertson or to lunch with friends, I know I acted like those were things you shouldn’t have been doing, but, oh, Lindsay, I was so wrong! Lindsay! We cannot survive without you. Please forgive my past indiscretions. Please, baby, don’t leave us like this again. I can’t take it, baby. Welcome back. I love you.

I feel a palpable sense of relief as the first pictures of Lindsay Lohan at the Cirque Lodge rehab in Utah have surfaced. Everything has been so goddamn boring since she left.

Lindsay left the rehab center for a little while yesterday, to take a walk around town and hit up a tanning salon. Lindsay bought a $20 spray-on tan, in addition to several more $16 tans. And normally I’d be, like, “What the fuck do you need a tan for in rehab? Focus on getting better, dumbass,” but I’ve changed, Lindsay baby. I’m not going to be like that anymore. I’m so, so glad you’re out in front of the cameras. I support you in any rehab-leaving you want to do in the future. I need you, Lindsay. I need you like you need me, and let’s not play this hiding-in-rehab game anymore, my love. It’s childish and it’s hurtful and no one wins. You’re always safe in the arms of the cameras and the gossip columnists. It’s where you belong, Lindsay. It’s where you need to be. We all know it. Welcome back, my love. Let’s never be apart again.